1. The leading edge of the roll cometh from over, not under. Only cat owners may be exempted from this commandment.

2. When thou finishes a roll, thou shalt replace the roll. If thou leavest an empty tube on the dispenser, others shall be justified in wondering who the hell thou thinkest thou are.

3. When buying toilet paper for a communal supply, thou art compelled to match thy housemates in quantity of rolls, not necessarily quality. If thy housemates seriously feel the need to mail-order extra-quilted TP, the responsibility fallest upon them to hoard their own supply. Thy hindquarters may not be so sensitive as theirs, and thou art not compelled to pamper them in unnecessarily costly fashion.

4. When a tube is empty, thou shalt not use the fact that there is no recycling bin in the bathroom as an excuse to not recycle the cardboard tube. Thou needst not be a treehugger to carry that little tube to the kitchen, when thou was going there anyway.

5. Thou shalt not maintain in thy home a toilet paper dispenser that only thou knowest how to retrieve toilet paper from without causing the roll to fall off. Thou shalt thereby spare thy guests the embarrassment of chasing the roll around on the floor with their pants about their ankles.

6. When thou movest to another home, thou must leavest at least one roll of toilet paper in the bathroom thou art leaving. Infraction of this commandment is a mortal sin.

7. If thou art an advertising executive, thou shalt neither propose to thy client, nor accept by thy client’s proposal, that toilet paper be advertised with cartoon characters in the forest who rub it against their faces, because that’s just weird.

8. Thou shalt not squeeze the Charmin.

9. If thou art a parent, thou shalt not assume that thy children were placed upon Earth to retrieve rolls of toilet paper from the upstairs bathroom when thou runnest out downstairs. It is incumbent upon thee to check the adequacy of the supply before thou sittest down.

10. Thou shalt not steal the giant rolls of toilet paper from the bathrooms where thou workest. This is a venial sin, but forgiveness may be granted if thou buildest a really impressive contraption to hang the giant roll from a towel rack by using a coat hanger and the power cord from thy old cell phone.

– Jay Gabler