Five Reasons You Shouldn't Be Reading This Right Now

Five Reasons You Shouldn't Be Reading This Right Now

STOP READING THIS BLOG. I know I know, that sounds like a terrible thing to ask of someone because this blog is so awesome and so funny and so relevant to your life. But you should probably stop, and here’s why:

1. Staring at a computer screen could get you murdered. Computer Vision Syndrome seems innocuous enough. According to The Foremost Source of All Knowledge in the Galaxy (“Don’t panic!”) a.k.a. Wikipedia, CVS is only a temporary condition caused by staring at XKCD for too long in a dark room with one hand down your pants. It can cause eye strain, headaches, blurred vision, neck pain, fatigue, and a depletion of attention from females. How could something so relatively benign get you murdered? Stay with me. You’re sitting inside for 8+ hours reading Kirk/Spock gay fan fiction when Domino’s rings and says somebody called in sick so they need you to come in. You sprint out the door, blue and red hat in hand, and hop in your car. Your blurred vision and fatigue has impaired your driving ability, however, and you end up rear ending the guy in front of you. This guy just so happens to be Butch O’Thrustknuckles, the tallest biggest scariest guy in the whole city. He gets out of his car, punches through your window, and stabs you in the face.

2. There’s a revolution going on. Hey, don’t get me wrong. We really appreciate your readership. But maybe you should start giving a flying rat’s vagina about what’s going on in Egypt, like me. I keep Al Jazeera English open in another tab pretty much all the time, and based on the little snippets I happen to process every so often, I’ve pieced together that their President Moo-something-or-other was all like “Fuck all y’all, I’m staying put! At least for a while!” and the Egyptians were all, “That wasn’t the deal! We’ve been out here for, like, ever! We want you to go NOW! And try not to steal a bunch of gold on your way out like that Jackass from Tunisia!” Or something like that. What I’m trying to say is you should all try to be as politically-minded as I am.

3. You should probably get your affairs in order – a killer asteroid is on its way. As of may 2010, there are over 7,000 asteroids have been classified as Near Earth, 290 of which have been deemed an “impact risk.” Mathematically speaking, this isn’t good. The likelihood of impact is formulated as follows: x=(zy)2-(a/b) where x=asteroid impact, z=speed, y=diameter, a=the likelihood that you’re not wearing clean underwear, and b=time passed since you last washed your car. Point is, you’re probably not wearing clean underwear so we’re all probably hella likely to get smooshed by a big space rock any second. So call your mom, write your living will, and stop reading this humor blog. No wait, don’t. Shit. I feel like I’m defeating the purpose here.

4. You’re probably not doing your homework. According to a statistic that I just made up, approximately 40% of college students in the United States spend less than an hour a week on homework. The remaining 60% have a very smart gnome tethered to a pole in their closet that they feed their homework and small beef pellets under the door. Consider working on that paper on 17th Century English Captives in the Mediterranean’s Pantaloons for a while, College Student. No, it will not prove to be at all useful as a topic or a field of knowledge in the future, but handing in your paper on time in class might make you look responsible and attractive to the hot Business major that sits front row center in your lecture. In short, your homework could get you laid.

5. You don’t have any money. If you’re reading this at work, stop it, you’re the reason the American economy is in the tank. If you’re not reading this at work, you should probably get a job. You might be tempted to turn this logic around and ask ass-ily say “if you’re writing this blog at work, stop it. If you’re not writing this blog at work, you should probably get a job, tee hee!” and then snicker into your hand and skip away gleefully. To which I say: this isn’t about us, bros. This is about you.

Katie Sisneros isn’t reading this right now.