Things people do on Twitter that make us want to hit unfollow:

1. Tweet a request that a follower appear at the tweeter’s place of work bearing some, specified, item of food “and a nap.”

2. Boring Twitpics with misleadingly exciting tweets. “OH MY GOD I THINK I’M GOING TO DIE!!! [crappy Twitpic of the weather or a sunset]” (Most common example: tweets about having a really cute bedmate, accompanied by a Twitpic of a dog.)

3. Use of hashtags to communicate things you might just as well have said plainly. “#justgottofirstavenue #phantomtailsareplaying #omgtheyresogood #totallywannabangthebassist”

4. Tweets that are supposed to encourage us all to get in shape (or something) but just communicate your manic exercise disorder. “Just finished my morning 6k and am feeling great!!!”  “Resolutions 2011: do a half marathon AND completely forget about Justin!! Hahah!!” “Early evening and late dusk runs were both so invigorating, but not as good as my vegan dessert bark! Yum!” “Won the marathon and only shit my pants once!! How’s that for “control issues” Justin?? LOL!”

5. Ironic, contentless placeholder tweets. Example: “This is an obligatory tweet about the Coachella lineup.”

6. Tweet about your love for your significant other. We assume you and your significant other are blissfully happy together, and only need to be told if that situation changes in an entertaining manner—for example, if he gets mad at you because your cat threw up, or if she won’t make out with you because she doesn’t like your new brand of toothpaste.

7. Any tweet that contains more than two exclamation points. Exclamation points are like eyeshadow. The more you layer ’em on, the more your update starts to look like a Bratz doll.

9. Including any of the following descriptors in your Twitter bio: Guru, Diva, Network, Passionate, SEO, Marketing, Enthusiast, Gluten-Free, Phish.

10. Tweet a complaint about how gross, offensive, inappropriate, and/or generally unwelcome today’s post on the Man Eater blog is.

11. DMing your ebook, or any request that expects me to do something extraordinary for you. Can’t invigorate your literary career, can’t get you Sightline Seating at a First Ave show. Nope.

12. Using Twitter to confess to the world that you are not wearing makeup. When we run into you and are exposed to the true horror of your natural skin, we want that horror to be a surprise.

13. Tweeting something really vague in French to show people that you know French, usually like, “What the heart knows, the head can’t figure out.” You would not tweet that in English, please don’t tweet it in French.

14. Danger! Cute Kid Story Ahead! RT @EPrairieMama: Langdyn asked if he could “wear his toes outside” today

15. Tweeting about how busy and harried you are. Not only does this come off as a backdoor brag, it also offers you a great time saving solution RIGHT THERE. No @mentions necessary.
–Jay Gabler, Emily Weiss, Becky Lang