Super Bowl Sunday looms large and heavy, like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float or Applebee’s-induced flatulence. It’s one of the few days out of the year that everybody asks everybody what they’re going to be up to. It’s probably best you have a solid answer and The Tangential’s here to help. We’ve already proven our sports writing clout, so trust us when we say that we are your one-stop plans-making headquarters. Take this handy quiz to find out how you should spend the day of the year when Americans are at a sharply increased risk for heart attack.
1. Your significant other has appeared spontaneously at your doorstep holding a container of whatever your favorite food is, as well as a Netflix disc of your favorite movie (clearly having put enough forethought into it to add it to their queue days ago). You:
a) Growl loudly and tackle them to the ground.
b) Coo “aww!” at them, and scratch the top of their head vigorously.
c) Stare at the container of food. Wonder what’s inside. Wonder what “container” really means. Wonder if there’s some cosmic connection between “container” and the idea of a container. Stare past the container until it disappears.
d) Chomp down on the container of food, taking their hand with it. Go on a city-wide rampage.
2. You’re in your Brit Lit/Astronomy/Economics/Sensory Perception in Early Modern Thought class. Your professor hands back your paper, and you see that he’s given you a B. You:
a) Throw the paper football-style onto the ground and challenge the play.
b) Feel tears well up in your eyes. Not going to cry. Not going to cry. Not going to cry. Think about ponies to feel better. Think about a pony giving you a B on your paper, start to cry again.
c) Realize the absurdity of the American University grading system. Think about moving back to Paris. Stare at your professor’s nose dimples until they blend together like a pool of molten flesh.
d) Chomp down on your paper, taking your professor’s hand with it. Go on a city-wide rampage.
3. You’ve just been rear-ended at a stop light. The driver of the car behind you gets out and approaches your vehicle. You:
a) Scream as close to his face as you can get without making out with him, shake your fists in a downward flexing sort of gesture, and bat a bowl of Doritos off the top of your car in misdirected rage.
b) grab him by the scruff of the neck and rub his nose in your bumper. Say “Bad driver. Very bad driver.” Feel guilty and give him a Dorito.
c) Realize your car as a physical entity is encroaching upon your ability to define yourself. Give your keys to the driver and walk away.
d) Pick up the car behind you and toss it onto a nearby rooftop. Go on a city-wide rampage.
4. Your friend challenges you to an arm wrestling contest. You:
a) Look confused. You’re unsure how to cover the spread in arm wrestling, but you know you have to try.
b) Arm wrestle him for ten seconds, then stop and grab your cat and put it on the table. If he asks what you’re doing, tell him it’s the kitten half time show.
c) Is this arm an object? Or a person? Is it a part of me if I touch it? Is it still a part of him? Will it still exist if I stop touching it?
d) Get into position to start arm wrestling. PSYCHE! Bite your friend’s arm off. Go on a city-wide rampage.
5. You’re really really drunk at Lyle’s. The bartender serves you a free appletini for your continued loyal patronage. You:
a) Jump on the bar and perform a complex victory dance then slap the bartender on the ass
b) Burst into tears and hug the bartender around the legs, promising you’ll never let go.
c) Nothing in this bar seems true. You feel surrounded by cardboard scenery. You move the appletini slowly toward your face. Then away again. Then toward your face. Then away again. Sigh.
d) Realize that three appletinis has had no effect on your giant reptilian body. Angrily consume the bartender for screwing you over. Go on a city-wide rampage.
Tally your answers, kids! Did you choose mostly:
A? Watch the Super Bowl. Demolish those lil’ smokies wieners you’ve slathered in BBQ sauce with pride, football fan! Toothpicks be damned; dump the whole pot of them on your head and howl with primitive pride. Angrily bemoan the decline in quality of Super Bowl commercials once the game is over.
B? Watch the Puppy Bowl. Football ain’t your thing, Dainty McFlufferkins. Switch on Animal Planet and watch this year’s line-up of adorable little pups romp and play and poop in the corner. Don’t bother picking a favorite; you’re going to love all of them too much and assigning preference would only make you feel bad.
C? Read Sartre’s La Nausée. You realize the fundamental pointlessness of competitive sports have made it impossible for you to sit in front of a TV for hours watching blobs of meat smash against each other. Read a few pages of The Nausea, then set the book on your chest and think for a while. Read a bit more, go eat a clementine, hold the clementine in your hand and feel its weight. Stop reading for a while, because you think you might throw up.
D? Smash Tokyo beneath your giant lizardy feet. Woah, turns out you’re Godzilla! You don’t need a football game to reaffirm your butch-itude, just go stomp on some buildings and set shit on fire. You can do that, right? Pretty sure Godzilla has fire breathing powers. If you get hungry, just peel the roof off a house and take whatever’s on the coffee table. Warning: avoid the pork rinds.
–Katie Sisneros knows her family will be cheering for the Steelers on Sunday, although she couldn’t care less.