As soon as a lady gets invaded by a zygote, she starts considering birthing methods. Choosing the right method is like picking the right pair of shoes – one must be hip and stylish first and foremost and only then take safety and general comfort into consideration. The desire for as wide a variety of birthing techniques as we have Hamburger Helper meals has given us some real doozies. For example, the silent birthing technique, which it turns out really only means no talking – mommy can scream like, well, like somebody’s just taken a scalpel to her vagina, and daddy can hyperventilate and pass out in a crumpled heap on the floor, as long as nobody utters any actual syllables. Or the water birth, where the mother passes the child like a turd in a kiddie pool – because if there’s one thing ickle baby wants after spending nine months chilling out in some fluid, it’s to emerge victorious into some more fluid. Or, and here’s the real kicker, some women actually opt to have their babies surgically removed. You know you’ve got an opening for that, right? But let’s say the coolest person in the whole world – if Leo DiCaprio and Michael Caine had a love child, and Jeremy Irons and Steve McQueen had a love child, and those love children had a love child, and that love child had sex with Mila Kunis and had a love child – let’s say that person wants to have the Bitchin’est Birth Evah – what methods might be available to them in this imaginary world where little actual thought goes into what physically makes the most sense during birth? Because that world would be not at all like this world. Not at all.
The Sheen Method: Pump the expecting mother-to-be with as much vodka and coke as you can as soon as her contractions reach ten minutes apart. This is a very important window – any earlier, and you risk all them tasty drugs entering the umbilical cord and getting wasted on your baby who doesn’t feel like partying anyway. The rapid consumption will have multiple positive side-effects. 1) Increasing the mother’s heart rate quickens contractions, bringing birth on faster. 2) Mom’s not going to give a flying rocket-propelled shit canister what’s coming out of her; she’ll be high as a kite.
The Barefoot Method: Everyone in the room, doctors included, has no shoes on. This doesn’t really serve any practical purpose other than who the hell likes wearing shoes anyway? But hey, we give birth lying down when clearly gravity would be a real help in the baby removal. Nobody’s going for logical here.
The Statham Method: You’re pregnant. Really pregnant. You’re trapped in the final car of a speeding subway train. Strapped under the subway car are a collection of timed explosives set to go off in thirty minutes. You have until the subway reaches 21st and Queensbridge to give birth, or the whole rig goes off, taking the entire train full of passengers with it. Breathe, goddamnit, breathe! You’ve got an entire city block to save. Warning: may cause your baby to be born with an East London accent.
The Self-Reliance Method: It’s never too early to start teaching your baby how to be an independent person. Junior’s going to be crawling before too long, and the next thing you know he’s consulting you about his best options for diversifying his portfolio. What better way to start Diapers McKinsey off on the right track than to leave him to his own devices, birth-wise? Mom can just hang in front of the TV, munch on some Funyuns, maybe pop in a flick if things are taking a while, and if you’ve taught your fetus anything, eventually it’ll get itself birthed. Then when it’s out you can have it cosign a loan for you.
The Crock Pot Method: Considered perhaps the most controversial technique, the Crock Pot Method reconsiders the assumption that a baby needs to come out after nine months. Why not leave it in there a while longer? What’s the rush? Like any good pot roast, a baby needs plenty of time to simmer in its own juices to reach that maximum full flavor. Er, I mean plumpness. I MEAN tender texture. AAAAH I meant to say intelligence and dexterity. Let little Baby Bop squat for a while, maybe until s/he’s old enough to just crawl to freedom.
The Wolf method: Upon entering the delivery room, everyone – including mother – puts on a wolf mask. Something really believable. Nobody says anything and communicates only by growling and barking. When baby is born put a tiny wolf mask on it and hold it up to a mirror for a while. As baby grows older, start telling it stories about a magical faraway planet where all the people look like wolves and spend all day eating jelly beans and having dance parties. Throughout baby’s life, drop subtle hints around his birthday that you found him in a tree. Own no photos of baby prior to the age of three. See how long it takes before your child is fully convinced he was adopted as an alien wolf baby and transformed into a human. OK this is less of a birthing method and more of a really dedicated life trolling method.
The Two-Birds-with-One-Stone Method: Pretty simple. Mom gives birth over a bucket of butter. I suggest Country Crock spread for it’s butter-like texture with fewer calories. Then voilà, buttery baby. Two birds with one stone.
The Centrifugal Method: Mom’s strapped to a gurney in the middle of the room. Dad’s holding both her hands above her head and spinning her in a circle as fast as he can. Doc’s sitting in a wheelie chair with a rope tied to it, being pulled by a nurse in a circle at the same rate as mom. The two are spinnin’ spinnin’ spinnin’ just as fast as they can, and if Doc can keep up he’ll catch baby flying out at terminal velocity. The force might propel him into the wall, but hey. That’s physics for you. If Doc can’t keep up, well…babies’ heads are pretty soft and flexible when they’re first born. Everything should turn out fine.
–Katie Sisneros isn’t sure why this post ended up making so many baby eating jokes.