Roger Ailes:
Darling,
If you see that little fucker Ted Turner’s kid at school, tell him I think Joseph Goebbels would have really admired his solar system diorama. Styrofoam? Really? The Nazis used to feed Styrofoam to gypsies. You tell him that.
XOXO, Dad.

Evil Stepmother:
Hansel and Gretel,
Hope you enjoy your lunch. PSYCHE! You gotta use this shit to get home, bitches! Hope the birds don’t eat your bread trails, you little bastards! I never loved you.
XOXO, Stepmom.

Bill gates:
Son,
This note is encrypted. You need administrator privileges to access this note. Please contact your ISP for further troubleshooting.
XOXO, Dad.

A Ham Sandwich:
Little Hammy,
I have packed myself for your lunch. Please have a good day at school, and good luck on your math test.
XOXO, Mom.

Michele Bachmann:
Honey,
I’ve included 47 cupcakes, because no “school administrator” or “public health professional” is going to tell my baby how to eat. I want you armed and dangerous on the issue of cupcake consumption in schools.
XOXO, Mom.

Eve:
Cain,
Should talk about populating earth when you get home. Could be problematic. If you meet a girl at school, please bring her. Stop fighting with your brother.
XOXO, Mom.

Don Draper:
Son,
You know what this string cheese is? This string cheese is happiness. It’s children laughing on a swing set. It’s jet packs in the new millennium. It’s freedom and tyranny and airline stewardesses in short skirts leaning over to hand you a whiskey. I’m okay. You’re okay. Now get out of my office.
XOXO, Your Father.

A Velociraptor:
Rapty Jr.,
RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRGGGGRRRWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR. AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR. WWWRREEEEEAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR. Also, please take out the trash when you get home.
XOXO, Mom.

Queen Gertrude:
Hamlet,
Sorry about all the whatnot at home. You’re sulky, and it’s bothering Claudius. Lighten up, ok? Your dad was kind of a dick. No real tragedy there. Also, stop watching me while I sleep.
XOXO, Mom.

–Katie Sisneros never got lunch box notes.