Condiments are used by many cultures to take eating to exciting new levels. They are often found on the tables at restaurants, in the side of refrigerators or in tiny packets that are insufficient unless used in mass quantities. Here are some proposed slogans to update condiment classics for modern times.

10. Hidden Valley Ranch

“Making America fat so good”

9. Taco Bell Fire Sauce

“Another thing to put on meat-filler that’s not meat”

8. French’s Mustard

“Putting yellow stripes on weiners since 1904”

7. Kikkoman Soy Sauce

“Kikks your veins into gear”

6. Tapatío Salsa Picante

“Don’t let your food die a virgin”

5. Morton Salt

“Keeping unsightly goiters at bay”

4. Heinz Ketchup

“Each spoonful cancels out one cigarette”

3. Sweet Baby Ray’s Barbeque Sauce

“Giving street cred to white meat”

2. Tabasco Green Pepper Sauce

“The taste tongues were intelligently designed for”

1. Sriracha Sauce

“Makes your heart burn for more”

–Becky Lang suggests you try Salpica’s Cilantro Green Olive Salsa