It’s here! Weed that hurts your throat in a new, bubbly, fizzy way. It comes in flirtatious flavors like “Sour Diesel” and it’s probably going to go the way of 4 Loko before we all get too silly on it. (Should we call it “4 Mellow?”) To get the real scoop on how youth culture is reacting to this new soda pot, I am going to interview my college self.

Me, now: So, weed soda. Are you excited?

College me: Yeah. Regular old weed sends out skunky smoke signals to your R.A. telling them to send you to “drug and alcohol counseling.” This is way more slick. Plus picking apart leaves and lighting stuff on fire – what are we, cavemen? I want my pot in Skittles colors, instant, and packing approximately 14o calories per bottle.

Me, now: What are you going to do with this bottled soda fountain weed?

College me: Probably drink it and play Rock Band [that game was really cool at the time] and pretend to like Phish.

Me now: Oh cool. You’re probably going to eat your last piece of pie and forget the experience and wake up and be sad your pie is gone. Just a hint.

College me: Only if I drink too.

Me, now: You will.

College me: I know.

Me, now: So, what do you think of the branding and packaging?

College me: It sucks ass. Canna Cola? Doc Weed? Coke and Dr. Pepper should sue! Plus the huge hemp leaf is so cliche and tacky. They might as well paste stickers of Jerry Garcia’s dancing bears on there.

Me, now: Amen. Hey, it’s OK to hate Phish you know.

College me: Yeah, I’m working on coming forward about that.

–Becky Lang doesn’t hang out with anyone who likes Phish these days.