Things You Could Buy On Uncrate To Prove That You’re A Real Man

Things You Could Buy On Uncrate To Prove That You’re A Real Man

Uncrate is a website that helps men become better men. They suggest hep new products and services that rich men everywhere can get behind, and not in a way that a gay man gets behind another man to have homosexual sex. Here are my top product suggestions that will help you become head honcho of your straight parade.

1. The Godfather Mansion

Major man-shit happened here. Most men are looking for the clout that comes along with having killed another man, but without all the pesky legal proceedings and fear of “getting whacked” that comes along with it. The Godfather Mansion is THE solution for any man trying to prove he has balls, without actually going as far as showing anyone his balls. Only girls would buy this place for its luxurious tudor-styling.

2. Pabst Brewing Company

Just look at those arches! I mean, um, just think about all that yummy beer you could brew! I mean, uh, just think about how drunk you could get!! And if you’re an alt kinda guy into small-batch brewing you could buy this place and leave your garage behind; I smell expansion plans for your cute little passion project!

3. Field of Dreams House

You could do sport here! It would be famous! And maybe you could get horsies and things. Or, no, you could just play tough-guy sports here. With ghosts and things.

4. Cave Home

Studies show that real men live in caves. Do you live in one? No? Well you’re not a real man. Don’t even try to show me that thing down there. I will not be persuaded. No, seriously; just try to show me that thing. I will not change my mind.

5. Land Rover Defender X-Tech

Real men like the following words: Land. Defender. X. Tech. Rover. Put them all together and you have the ideal man-car: the Land Rover Defender X-Tech. Finally, an SUV that will get your woman pregnant for you.

6. Fancy Utility Lighter

Are you sick of the “regular guy” plastic lighters that currently crowd the marketplace? Do you go to sleep at night wishing there was a more expensive solution to lighting the hundred candles that supply your nightly bath-time ambiance? Well, you’re in luck, because the Colibri Stiletto Utility Lighter is the kind of purchase that is certainly a waste of money. So if you’re trying to prove you’re a real-man tough-guy, and you want to go about it by wasting your money on things that are unnecessarily expensive, buy this $20 lighter.

Jason Zabel lives in Saint Paul in his boyfriend’s parent’s mansion’s servants’ quarters