Tangential How-To Guide: How to Cry

Tangential How-To Guide: How to Cry

Crying is when human beings leak from their eyes in order to rid their heads of a dangerous salt substance that, if left unexpelled, causes one to dream about being naked in a high school scenario. Additionally, crying signifies to other humans that they should stop what they are doing and pat you on the back. The ability to cry is advantageous for any acting career, as it signifies emotional availability and the staying power of waterproof mascara. Here are a few methods of expelling tears yourself:

1. The easiest way to cry without tapping into deep emotional pain is to peel about five onions. Deep fry them in a circular shape to produce onion rings.

2. Watch the first 30 minutes of Pixar’s animated feature “Up.”

3. Think about the time you got lost in the isles at PetCo as a kid and stared at the fish tank, thinking, “They’re already home but I am lost and alone in the world.” Tell people that you are thinking about your grandfather’s funeral.

4. Drink too much and watch a commercial for gum that features young lovers pillow fighting and writing on one another in permanent marker. Ask the universe where your own pillow fighting partner is.

5. Date someone vocally suicidal.

6. Try to open a wine bottle without a wine opener.

7. Fall down on the blade of an ice skate. Or ski into a tree.

8. Think about your deceased golden retriever. If that doesn’t work, try not eating for an entire day, and then think about the dog.

9. Buy a dog and have it pee on your Macbook.

10. If none of those things work, have a teacher or other respected person corner you in a classroom and repeat, “It’s NOT your fault” until you break down. It worked in that Matt Damon movie.

Becky Lang also suggests watching “Rachel Getting Married”