Canada – How to Give Your Target the Love it Deserves, and Not an Ounce More

Canada – How to Give Your Target the Love it Deserves, and Not an Ounce More

The first Target ever, in Roseville, MN, is within driving distance of The Tangential’s headquarters*. Now, we didn’t grow up next to Justin Bieber or take orchestra with The Arcade Fire, but we do know a thing or two about, as we call it, Tar-zjay. (Yes, bonus tip, pronounce “Target” like it’s French so everyone will know the classy way in which your sock-buying chores go down. This might be less cool in Montreal than it is here.) Here are some other tips for you to enjoy while listening to Avril Lavigne, Canada.

1. Target is frustrated about its sexuality. It sells clothes by Zac Posen and hangs out at gay pride parades, but then it writes checks to politicians who believe that one man tapping another man’s maple syrup is evil. You might say Target’s all “Nickelback” like that.

2. Their clothing is not shitty. It is not particularly well-made, but it’s reasonably stylish for being so damn cheap. This is something to love about Target. You may love it less when you go out and run into six other people wearing the exact same ironic Michael J. Fox T-shirt that you are.

3. Most Target stores do not sell tires. You should continue to plan to purchase your tires at Canadian Tire. Most of the other products sold at Canadian Tire, however, you may find that you now prefer to purchase at Target. Target’s coffee is not good; nonetheless, you may find that you now prefer to purchase coffee at Target instead of Tim Horton’s.

4. It’s likely that, due to the above-mentioned virtues, your local Target store will become wildly popular. This is something you won’t love about Target. Full parking lots, crying children, fighting spouses, people who stand in front of the frozen-pizza cooler for 20 minutes trying to choose between the sausage pizza and the sausage/pepperoni pizza. Just because you’re Canadian, there’s no need to take a socialist free-to-be-you-and-me attitude towards this. It just sucks.

5. Target has the world’s most impressive collection of varying sizes of clocks. From tiny clocks to clocks that could fill the better portion of a living room wall, Target devotes five or six aisles to all sorts of clocks. If you’re looking for a clock to hang next to your bed that is so big it’ll make you wake up in the morning and scream “HOLY SHIT IT’S FUCKING NINE O’CLOCK!” and then punch out a wall, Target’s the place to find it. I don’t know how you Canadians feel about having an ungodly selection of time pieces to choose from, but if our cereal aisles are any indication, you get a pretty good idea how we feel about variety. Take it. Relish in it. Feel the ticking in the back of your eyeballs.

*Which is kind, of sort, of a barbeque place with a movie-themed menu in Minneapolis.

– Jay Gabler, Becky Lang, and Katie Sisneros think that the Bloody Marys at this unnamed headquarters have way too many capers.