Stop! Don't Do Anything Until You Know Your Sign!

Stop! Don't Do Anything Until You Know Your Sign!

Science gives us yet another reason why we should all be looking at it skeptically out of the corner of our eyes.  According to the Minnesota Planetarium Society, the Earth has been slowly losing a game of hard-to-get over the last few millennia, wobbling on its axis thanks to the moon’s super sexy gravitational pull.  Your initial reaction might be, “Pfft, yeah whatever, science. I suppose next you’re going to tell us the moon also causes the tides, or something.”  Well science called us today, and it has a message for you. First, “Shut up, O’Reilly.” And second, “Don’t leave the house, motherfucker! You’ve been misreading your daily horoscope for, like, ever!”

That’s right; everyone alive in the world today who was once born has always had a miscalculated zodiac sign, because the Earth and the sun are in different places in relation to each other than they were 3,000 years ago, kind of like the reason mom gave you for why dad has a new wife and kids now.  This has bumped the zodiac signs back by about a month, give or take.

So what are you, then? And what does this mean for your daily routine?  Let The Tangential be your new Miss Cleo, sans poorly faked Jamaican accent.  Give us your palm, twenty bucks, and stare into our crystal balls.

Note: Not everyone’s sign has changed! Because some of you are stubborn assholes!

Capricorn: January 20-February 16. You potentially used to be an Aquarius, which means you used to be independent, strong-willed, and humanitarian but now you’re a dim-witted moron.  LOL jk, you’re ambitious and have good judgment.  You’ll probably fall in love with either Oprah or Elliot Stabler from Law & Order: SVU because you’re a very serious thinker.  Avoid raw fish and ladders.

Aquarius: February 16-March 11. You might have been a Pisces before, which means you’ve gone from swimming around in water to carrying it around in buckets.  Gone is your tendency for compassion, romance, imagination, and intuition.  You are now a soulless robot hell-bent on humanity’s destruction.  You will be one half of the first gay robot marriage.  Avoid large mud puddles and decaffeinated Four Loko.

Pisces: March 11-April 18. Good news: you have transcended your past zodiac life as a ram.  Bad news: you’re a fish.  BFD.  You are ruled by planet Mars, named after either the Roman God of War or a candy bar. I’m not sure on that timeline.  This means you’re more aggressive but can’t do much with it besides slap people with your slimy, wet fins.  Because you’re a fish.  Did I mention that?  You will not marry; you will swim upstream to spawn.  Avoid large curd cottage cheese (small curd is fine) and the escape key.

Aries: April 18-May 13. You have evolved into the majestic(ish) ram.  You are stubborn, materialistic, and since you’re ruled by Venus you’re attracted to beauty and luxury.  Consider trying out for the new CW series Gossip Girl: Minneapolis.  Under no circumstances should you fall in love with Kanye West.  You are a natural leader and hero, so consider becoming the alpha male of a pack of wild dogs.  Avoid people that cry a lot.

Taurus: May 13-June 21. You were likely a Gemini; therefore, little has changed for you.  You used to be a tall, graceful, well-spoken, sexy, cultured individual and remain so.  At no point in your life will anybody refer to you as “douchie.”  You will probably marry Robert Downey, Jr. or Thor, the God of Thunder. Pretty much every pretty dude is gonna be after your tasty gams.  Avoid ice patches and unpopular people.*

*Full Disclosure: The author used to be a Gemini, and is apparently now a Taurus.

Gemini: June 21-July 20. You were almost certainly a Cancer.  I mean this literally: your family has been struggling for years to be rid of you, but you metastasized yourself to your sweet TIME LIFE Singer/Songwriter CD collection in your childhood bedroom and won’t leave.  But fear not!  For you have become a Gemini, which means you’re probably the more likeable twin.  You will remain a bachelor(ette) and start an impressive collection of ferrets.  Avoid REO Speedwagon’s Kevin Cronin.

Cancer: July 20-August 10. Bummer. You probably used to be a Leo. This means you’ve evolved from the ferocious and sexually voracious King of the Jungle to the tasty sea-herpes I always ended up flinging bits of across the Red Lobster in Omaha.  You will have upper thigh sweat flung on you from the stage during a Har Mar Superstar performance. Avoid chainsaws and most humans.

Leo: August 10-September 16. You might have been a Virgo.  Now you’re not. Let me put it another way: you might have been a virgin. Now you’re not.  Without actually having to do anything, you have gained some accredited level of sexual experience.  So, good job there.  You’ll probably marry another ex-Virgo, and spend at least one night together being very confused.  Avoid Seth Rogen and the Angry Birds iPhone app.

Virgo: September 16-October 30. You might’ve been a Libra, you might’ve been a Scorpio.  Either way, you’re not a virgin anymore, which means the bizarro-version of Leo applies here.  You have lost all of your hard-earned bedroom experience, like the Universe is the IRS and you owe some seriously unfortunate back taxes.  Avoid Jonah Hill and the Plants vs. Zombies iPhone app.

Libra: October 30-November 23. More likely than not, you were a Scorpio.  You are balanced, harmonious, and take action toward your goals.  Unless your goal was to remain a Scorpio, in which case it looks like you fucked that one up.  You are known for being indecisive, which means you still may not have picked sides in Leno v. Coco.  Which is too bad, because that one’s as obvious as the fact that you’re probably going to marry an ex-Jersey Shore cast member. Avoid ex-Jersey Shore cast members.

Scorpio: November 23-December 17. Welcome to Scorpio, former Sagittarius!  Here at Chez Scorpio, all our tenants are magnetic, forceful, sexual, and spiritual.  This makes for fantastic pool parties, and horrendous clean-up.  Unfortunately, Scorpios are also known for being extremely secretive and insanely jealous, so the pool party will likely be passively-aggressively Tweeted about all night.  You will marry.  Maybe.  Avoid AA batteries and sidewalk cracks (or you’ll break your mother’s back).

Sagittarius: December 17-January 20. Everybody secretly wants to be a centaur.  Luckily, you are one.  Which is way better than what you used to be: a goat.  Sagittariuses enjoy outdoor sports, which explains the horse bit.  They also have a great sense of humor, and remind everyone around them regularly by carrying around a boom box that plays “Yakety Sax” on loop.  You will marry someone who never learned to tie their shoes.  Avoid grain silos and standardized tests.

Katie Sisneros

Sources: WTHR IndianapolisStar Tribune.