Because we care, Tangentially: Charitable causes supported by The Tangential

Because we care, Tangentially: Charitable causes supported by The Tangential

Public relations firm The:Hours is planting a tree in the Amazon rainforest for each copy sold of certain CDs; together, the trees constitute what the firm is calling “The:Hours Forest.” We at The Tangential are glad to hear of this generous program, and as you’d expect from a publication as well-established as ours, we also support several charitable causes—to all of which we’ve similarly applied our name.

The Tangential Orphan: Punky Brewster
Soleil Moon Frye keeps trying to tell us she’s 34 years old and a successful actress, director, and screenwriter. We tell her to just take the damn money and shut up.

The Tangential Historic Landmark: SuperAmerica Gas Station and Convenience Store at 22nd and Lyndale
For years, this station has served as a meeting place for Minneapolis residents in need of gasoline and cigarettes—24 hours a day. It’s constantly, however, under threat of being vandalized by patrons who are out of their minds with blind rage at the guy who leaves his car at the pump while he spends 20 minutes mixing blue raspberry and wild cherry frozen drinks. Next time you see a woman in a blaze-orange vest tackling someone who’s wildly waving a snow scraper, give that brave peacemaker a friendly wave: she’s one of ours.

The Tangential Endangered Animal: Leroy the Dolphin
Did you know that dolphins sometimes have blowhole sex, just for fun? The dolphin race and the human race have much in common, and that’s why we take care of our bro Leroy.

The Tangential Disease: Geloplegia
It sounds made-up, but geloplegia is an actual neurological condition: “A sudden loss of muscle tone (cataplexy) induced by uproarious laughter.” Our own Jay Gabler has been diagnosed with this condition—there’s a whole page of his health insurance policy devoted to it—though his ex-girlfriend, a medical student, believed the symptoms pointed more toward narcolepsy, which she believed Jay was self-medicating by drinking massive amounts of coffee. We’d like a second opinion.

The Tangential Natural Disaster: The Biblical Flood
At least two unicorns are still missing. Never forget.

The Tangential Arts Organization: Dubuque City Youth Ballet
They cut us a pretty good deal on the whole renaming thing.

The Tangential Faith-Based Practice: Cryogenics
When Ted Williams is batting .345 at the 2378 all-star break, you’ll thank us for our vision.

The Tangential School: High School High
Because today’s young people have so much to learn from Jon Lovitz and Tea Carrere.

The Tangential Substance-Abuse Awareness Campaign: Four Loko
Contrary to popular belief, what was removed from the Four Loko formula was the caffeine, not the alcohol. It’s okay to drink Four Loko in the morning, but you need to be sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.

The Tangential War-Torn Land: Canada
At the moment all’s quiet on the northern front, but when Quebec secedes, shit is going to go down, and go down hard. That’s why we have our people on the ground now.

Jay Gabler

Photo sources: Key Club, SuperAmerica, dolphin, geloplegia, flood, ballet, cryogenics, Four Loko, Canada