Believe me, there are some good things to do tonight. I’m talking about fun shit. Serious fun. For example, back tattoos. They are going to be peeking out all over town, and you could go look at them. You could go out just to shake your head disapprovingly at them while drinking a two-for one magarita special with peach flavoring. Another thing going on tonight is a top secret concert. It’s so secret that I can’t even tell you about it, because I will get cast out of the hip circle with which I run.
But I hear that you, for some reason don’t want to do the number one best thing that there is to do tonight. Maybe you have indigestion. Maybe you spent all your money buying a device that will synch your satellite programming with your MacBook. Maybe your ex-boyfriend is afoot. Whatever your reasoning, here is a list of things that you could maybe do tonight, since you, for some reason, don’t want to do the number one best thing.
1. Scrape the freezerburn off some cookies and cream ice cream and eat it out of the carton. If you’re a girl, don’t do this. Especially if you just got dumped. Engaging in those kinds of cliches is why you got dumped, I bet.
2. Practice your stance on Asian beer. Stop at the nearest liquor store and buy Asahi, Tsing Tao Tiger, whatever Asian beer you can find. Go home and announce to your roommates that you are doing a taste test, so they will know why you aren’t out doing the number one best thing. Drink about five different beers and try on the outfit you wore to prom. Look at your first boyfriend’s Facebook profile pictures. Cry.
3. If no one’s home, try eating a really hot pepper. The hottest kind at the store. See how your body reacts. Listen to “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” for no reason at all.
4. Paint palm trees on your nails. Gaze at them with quiet affection. Remember that you are out of mini Snickers bars and go to the gas station to buy some more. Consider buying menthol cigarettes but don’t do it. Run into a barista who knows your order by heart. Have hilarious small talk. Hide your nails in your pockets the whole time.
5. Lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, thinking of all the different times in movies and books when protagonists looked at ceilings and had important moments. Listen to Belle and Sebastian on your headphones. Get bored and look in your night stand drawer. Find a bit of old weed but decide not to smoke it because the pipe smell reminds you of people you don’t like.
– Becky Lang is, in fact, going to do the number one best thing to do tonight