Tag: Natalie Berkley
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What It’s Like to Work the Worst Job in America
My job is the worst job in the United States. According to Career Cast’s annual “best and worst 200 jobs” list, my vocation is worse than hauling garbage, installing windows in the freezing cold, unclogging toilets, and killing bugs and rats for a living. It’s more stressful than being a stockbroker and more than three…
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Five Fantasies to Motivate Your Summer Run
Bear Apocalypse A variation on the zombie virus, bearitis is sweeping North America. It’s like any zombie plague, except instead of bitten folk turning into drooling, brain-gobbling sickies, they turn into fuckin’ bears. And not those nice, blackberry-nibbling guys that look cute on postcards—these bears are like grizzlies on PCP. Scientists have configured running shoes…
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What It’s Like to Quit Drinking at 24
Photo by Michelle Ress “I’m never drinking again.” We’ve all groaned it from the kitchen floor or beneath the arm of an unplanned bed friend. It was my first thought when I woke up in a sparkly party dress on New Year’s Day 2013. Except instead of popping a few Excedrin and taking a couple days…
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The Five Everyday Struggles of a Curly-Haired Woman
1. General wildness Curly hair is unpredictable. When you’re a little kid, it’s cute, but once you hit puberty, those soft ringlets will transform into mean, teen coils of fury. Part of the excitement of having curly hair is not knowing what you’re going to get at various stages of life—for example, when my Italian…
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On Being a Liberal Suffering From Conservative Episodes
I’m a pretty liberal person. I grew up with a lesbian pastor and parents who earnestly campaigned for an opera hall to be built in lieu of a new Vikings stadium. When I was six, I lovingly embraced a tree for 20 minutes, tears soggifying my pink velour overalls, as exasperated laborers waited to remove…
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Lessons I Learned in Christian Grade School
Dogs don’t have souls. Don’t let those wagging tails and the limitless, unconditional affection fool you. Dogs are for hunting, and for pictures in calendars you give to your mom for Christmas. Girls in eighth grade cannot get pregnant—their bodies do not allow it. In response to your questions about Megan and her sudden affinity…
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Honest Answers to Common Job Interview Questions
Tell me a little about yourself. As you may have noticed, I’m quite short, I compulsively destroy my cuticles when I’m nervous, and I’m definitely not used to wearing heels, eyeliner or this pencil skirt. I like watching netflix while eating food that matches the show/movie I’m consuming (Downton Abbey=sandwiches I cut into crustless circles.…
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12 Things I’ve Learned in 2012
1. Your 24-year-old metabolism has not become a glacier, it’s just a little harder to get it out of bed in the morning. 2. If you floss your teeth on the reg you get to be all, yea, I take care of my teeth, dentist, you’ve got nothing on me. 3. There comes a point…
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Guy-to-Girl Online Dating Messages Decoded
“hello qt wha’s good I am a fun loving adventurous spirit always up for trying new things ;)” Translation: I want to have anal sex for the first time, so I am messaging 35 girls per minute until I find my one-in-a-million super slut who will let me violate her ass after knowing nothing about…
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Curiosities Produced by Counseling
-How many butts have sat in this chair today, and how big were they? Are we all creating an everlasting, one-size-fits-all ass dent, carving the legacies of our divorces and personality disorders forever into this fake red leather? – I wonder where I fall on the weirdness/most screwed up spectrum of this guy’s patients. Maybe…
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Things I’ve Been Observed Doing While Sleepwalking, Ages 4-23
Age: 4 Witness: My parents Description: I make a habit of walking into my parents’ bedroom and standing at their bedside, releasing incoherent strings of words. “Mommy, milk the kitty state fair for the gingerbread next orange dinosaur tree cookie.” I’m still surprised they didn’t put me up for adoption. Age: 12 Witness: Summer camp night…
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How Mitt Romney Coped Today
Mitt Romney wakes at 5 AM underneath navy blue billion-thread count sheets at a hotel that costs more per night than the average American family’s car. He rises, wandering downstairs to the hotel’s breakfast banquet in search of something to nibble on to curb the aching hunger for power in his belly when he spots…