Tag: fiction
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Rationalizing Your Teenage Daughter’s Sexy Facebook Photos
Over 20 likes! That must be due to the stunning composition of this photo. The seemingly nonchalant way that she took this in our bathroom is brilliant… so casual, yet meticulously planned. Even a passing observer would also point out the intentional low-resolution of this snapshot. The subtle pixelation may have been intentional, or simply the result of a…
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Hooray! My 82-Year Old Grandpa Finally Got His College Degree…That Deadbeat Sack of Shit
Hey, sweet! My Grandpa Carson just did the unthinkable! After 82 years of his wretched existence sullying this planet, he finally cleaned himself up for four years and plowed through a bachelor’s of science degree in business at the local bullshit community college. La-de-fucking dah. Now maybe he can start paying off my mom’s medical…
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“Why I Love Foggy Clubs,” by a Guy Who Loves Foggy Clubs
I like to walk into the darkened club alone. It’s better this way. Just me and the fog, no one in between us. That way I can really see it, billowing out over the dance floor, cut by fragmented strobe lights, multicolored strands that must submit to the fog. Just as we all must. The…
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Places I’ve Had Sex: Bummer/Boss
Boss: Outdoor hot tub. Midnight, Black Friday, 2006. Bummer: Parking lot of a Perkins. Mid-afternoon, Black Friday, 2007. Boss: Back of my ’98 Purple Cavalier, as a horny college kid. 2006. Bummer: Back of my ’04 Subaru, as a long-distance-dating 26 year old. 2009. Boss: My girlfriend’s dorm room, Obama’s election night, 2008. Bummer: A…
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Rebound Sex: My Anti-Drug
The number of times I’ve fooled around with marijuana in the aftermath of major life setbacks could fill up a really boring and really short chapbook involving one-bedroom apartments and ramblers with grills perpetually out front, basically scenes from college in the Midwest. But the number of times (once) that I tried fooling around with…
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10 Tattoos to Get While Drunk this Weekend – By Al Mueller
Al Mueller is releasing a book tonight. It looks like this: And has lines like this: That simple-minded-girl-with-a-little-of-the-ready had really started to stick in my mind, her body fits well against other bodies I recalled from a possibly imagined Hemingway book I thought I read in jail. If you live in Minneapolis, come hang out…
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Ten stories in five minutes
To warm up for the Paper Darts Flash Fiction Writing Contest, I wrote ten short stories in 30 seconds each. There was a man. He ran into another man. The first man said, “I love you!” The second man said, “Um.” The first man said, “Kiss me!” There was a koala. He didn’t know where…
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Boys
As the kitchen sink filled with hot water, Hannah looked out the cabin window at the kids. Her boys had brought out the ladder golf, and they were showing Tracy’s girls how to fling the pairs of rubber golf balls connected by short lengths of rope. Tracy picked up a floral kitchen towel and smiled.…
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Prison
God, Megan, I love my husband but if that sweet dumbshit tries to steal another tropical bird for me, I swear I’m packing my bags. So here’s the story. Last night I’m sitting watching West Wing and having my Lean Cuisine, and bozo walks in the door with this bright red and blue bird. I’m…
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Horses
“Why are we sleeping in a tent in the barn?” “Give those here.” “What?” “The Oreos. Give them here.” “Here you go, you freakin’ pig.” “It’s not a barn. It’s the arena.” “What do you mean, it’s not a barn?” “It’s the arena. This part is just for riding.” “What the hell, man. We’re in…
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Last Week I Made Out with Two Men So They’d Get in a Bar Fight
Last week, I made out with two men — a butcher and a singer in a Zeppelin cover band. The butcher smelled like meat, like he should have, but the singer smelled way too good, not smoky or dusty like I wanted. “Why do you keep sniffing me?” he asked. The singer was wearing leather…
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I Only Have Sex with Ladies Named Jean
I only have sex with ladies named Jean because my name is Gene and because while I certainly love to hear my name being yelled out during sex, I also think it is dope to call out my own name while I fuck. Gene, Gene, Gene, oh, oh, oh, I usually yell. Yesterday I yelled…