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BDSM

I Don’t Have a Boyfriend. I Have a Dom.

ShareI’m in a relationship right now that’s hard to explain and even harder for those listening to understand. But I’d like to try. I am a sub, or submissive. I don’t have a boyfriend. I have a dom. The popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey has afforded BDSM a wave of intrigue and recognition, but […]

Tinder

Thoughts While Browsing Men on Tinder

Share All of his photos are angled downward. Which means he’s probably shorter than everyone who’s ever taken a picture of him ever. Cargo shorts? Ok, I guess… Not sure if he’s the subject of this Tinder account, or if the fish he’s holding is. The fact that there are fifteen other men in your […]

Santa Claus

Pros and Cons of Christmas Characters We’d Like to Fuck

Santa Pros: Has magic powers—if you know what we mean. Likes going down. He disappears by morning, but he always leaves a present. Cons: Married. Sleep apnea causes loud snoring. Many impersonators, all of whom claim to be “the real” Santa. Rudolph Pros: You don’t need a red lightbulb to set that erotic mood. Won’t […]

Manhattan

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Fucking Your Friend’s Ex

1. How serious was it? Did they share a Facebook profile pic? Had a pet been purchased as a mutual child? Did he cry when you revealed she’d texted you first? If “yes” to all of them, then refrain. If “yes” to one, keep up the affair, but hide. If “yes” to none, then by […]

Red War

Insights from “The Red War on the Family” (1922)

“Monogamic marriage, with divorce granted only for good and sufficient reasons and not because one or both of the parties directly concerned tire of the union and desire a change, is the sheet anchor of our civilization, and anyone who seeks to injure or destroy such time-honored and respected institution must be regarded and treated […]

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My Dream Date with Benedict Cumberbatch

Benny (as I affectionately call him because we’re really quite close now after our three hour long text conversation that was largely comprised of insights about the origins of the universe, preferences on British cheeses, and the smiling poop emoticon) picks me up at my house in the Batmobile. He announces his presence by whispering […]

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More Substance Abuse References Justin Timberlake Can Use to Flatter Jessica Biel

Girl, you’re like Skinny Girl margarita mix. Bitches on reality TV get so jealous of your jelly they want to put you in a blender. Your body is like the opposite of crack, in that I have never done crack but I have done you in my marital bed. When I smell your hair it’s […]

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Signs She’s Not Cheating on You, Just Relax

She Reads You Her Text Message History. All girls are protective of their iPhones. It’s a gender thing, not a her thing. So she slams down the knife when she’s chopping onions and runs in from the kitchen when her phone buzzes near you. Listen, that might sound scary BUT, she reads you her text messages […]

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Make Love to Me On the Back Cover of “The New Yorker”

“Oh, my, Antonio—with abdominals like these, it’s clear you’ve been playing squash!” “Yes, I have, and I have spurned the crackpot diets of the American fraud Dr. Oz. I can’t believe that man is a highly credentialed member of the medical establishment.” “You silly boy. You have the cock the size of a rhinoceros horn, but […]

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A Disney Prince Guide to Getting the Girl

The Prince (Snow White): If you stumble upon a random girl who just happens to be alone and unconscious you should totally kiss her. Because when she wakes up your good looks will distract her from the fact that a total stranger is hovering over her, especially after she’s just eaten something laced with poison. […]

Capture

What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting

So you’re not expecting! Congratulations! Unless you wish you were expecting and either haven’t yet succeeded or physically cannot, in which case that’s some super heavy emotional baggage and I absolutely do not have the fortitude or maturity level yet to even consider formulating a comment on that problem. So let’s just pretend for the […]

Samantha Fox 19

The Ten Most Ridiculous NSFW Photos of 80s Pinup Girl Samantha Fox

Photographer: “Okay, so this one’s for the album—no, not the album cover, we’re gonna print it right on the damn album, because that’s the only way to make sure they’ll actually take it out of the sleeve. The hole in the middle? Um, we’ll put it on your chin—like a beauty mark. Like, you know, […]

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