Insights from “The Red War on the Family” (1922)
“Monogamic marriage, with divorce granted only for good and sufficient reasons and not because one or both of the parties directly concerned tire of the union and desire a change, is the sheet anchor of our civilization, and anyone who seeks to injure or destroy such time-honored and respected institution must be regarded and treated as a foe to civilization.” (p. 118) “In the paragraphs we have quoted from Engels we have [...] the promise to those pulsating with sex love, who ever hunger after...
My Dream Date with Benedict Cumberbatch
Benny (as I affectionately call him because we’re really quite close now after our three hour long text conversation that was largely comprised of insights about the origins of the universe, preferences on British cheeses, and the smiling poop emoticon) picks me up at my house in the Batmobile. He announces his presence by whispering softly into the breeze and letting his voice carry across the yard, waft into my open windows, and perch gently just inside my ear. “I’m here, my darling.” I turn...
More Substance Abuse References Justin Timberlake Can Use to Flatter Jessica Biel
Girl, you’re like Skinny Girl margarita mix. Bitches on reality TV get so jealous of your jelly they want to put you in a blender. Your body is like the opposite of crack, in that I have never done crack but I have done you in my marital bed. When I smell your hair it’s like doing poppers. My butthole gets loose and I get a headache for 3 days. You’re like Ambien baby, you cause me to eat cookie dough in the middle of...
Signs She’s Not Cheating on You, Just Relax
She Reads You Her Text Message History. All girls are protective of their iPhones. It’s a gender thing, not a her thing. So she slams down the knife when she’s chopping onions and runs in from the kitchen when her phone buzzes near you. Listen, that might sound scary BUT, she reads you her text messages anyway from that guy she used to fuck behind her ex-boyfriend’s back! Granted, she skips over a few, giggles to herself and inserts passing phrases like, “And then he just...
Make Love to Me On the Back Cover of “The New Yorker”
“Oh, my, Antonio—with abdominals like these, it’s clear you’ve been playing squash!” “Yes, I have, and I have spurned the crackpot diets of the American fraud Dr. Oz. I can’t believe that man is a highly credentialed member of the medical establishment.” “You silly boy. You have the cock the size of a rhinoceros horn, but you’ll never be clever enough to win the caption contest.” “Shut up and kiss me, woman. My letter about the novels of Mary Renault got as far as fact-checking!” “But...
A Disney Prince Guide to Getting the Girl
The Prince (Snow White): If you stumble upon a random girl who just happens to be alone and unconscious you should totally kiss her. Because when she wakes up your good looks will distract her from the fact that a total stranger is hovering over her, especially after she’s just eaten something laced with poison. Prince Charming (Cinderella): If you’re looking for that special someone, inspect their shoe size to determine whether or not they are a compatible match. Search far and wide throughout your...
What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting
So you’re not expecting! Congratulations! Unless you wish you were expecting and either haven’t yet succeeded or physically cannot, in which case that’s some super heavy emotional baggage and I absolutely do not have the fortitude or maturity level yet to even consider formulating a comment on that problem. So let’s just pretend for the sake of the next few paragraphs that you are not expecting a child, and that that’s a good thing. Let’s just get the obvious ones out of the way. You...
The Ten Most Ridiculous NSFW Photos of 80s Pinup Girl Samantha Fox
Photographer: “Okay, so this one’s for the album—no, not the album cover, we’re gonna print it right on the damn album, because that’s the only way to make sure they’ll actually take it out of the sleeve. The hole in the middle? Um, we’ll put it on your chin—like a beauty mark. Like, you know, a Madonna thing.” Photographer: “So here’s what I’m thinking: all those teenage boys, they go to historical theme parks and they see those costumed interpreters, and they’re supposed to be...
Sexts from the Sea
I am wet for you Motorboat all over me Drill me until you accidentally poke a lost sea diver skeleton I’m overflowing with lust for you … Watch out New Orleans Come explore my lost city of poontang It’s been awhile … I’m getting sandy down there I’m so oiled up that birds are dying I swallow. It’s only on the map that I’m Pacific. We’d be a perfect match: I’m salty, you’re sweet. Go deeper … until your head explodes from pressure. All those...
What Your Halloween Costume Says About Who You’re Trying to Bang
Kitten: Someone who will listen to you talk about how much you like Nashville. Sriracha sauce: Someone who occasionally reads Vice magazine. Video game character: Someone who is mildly insecure but opens up when talking about junk food. A visual representation of a pun: Someone who likes to run marathons and watch you play the guitar. Obscure literary character or author: That one chick from Post-Colonial Theory class in freshman year who you used to smoke cigarettes with who you desperately hope to run into. Ironically...
Early Onset Medical Concerns Associated with Sexting
-Rashes or burn marks on your chest when you leave your phone/laptop to free up a hand for a little passion dining “table of one” down below. -Induced vertigo while debating synonyms. Like have you’ve already used “round tits” and “candy ass?” Or have this time you stuck mostly to “lush pussy” and “sensual, sofa-shaped lips”? -Carpal tunnel from writing “lick your clit,” which iPod takes as something asinine as “pull the clutch,” then lining up the cursor, swearing at yourself and opting for the...
Slutty Words of the English Language
Geode: You’re a mass-produced volcanic rock easily broken apart by children to reveal polished crystals, commonly sold in state park gift shops? Bullshit. You’re just trying to get everyone to say chode. Tardy: Tardy did us all the service of combining the terms randy, tarnished, dirty, ready, dyslexic, and TA into one. Something for the struggling college freshman in all of us. Demure: Demure is a call girl who bides her time in a double-wide wearing a leopard leotard and painting her nails different shades of...
