Lists
Lists are the hands-down, number one best way to read. That’s why we write ‘em.
The Worst Harry Potter Book Covers From Around the World
“Cause it’s like you’re my mirror, my mirror staring back at me…” This Dutch dragon CAN’T EVEN HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW. “Am I about to get hit by this train? How curious!” The spectrum of Hermione runs from Emma Watson to…this. Cool that “stone” gets translated to “stein,” less cool that Harry looks like he’s about to peace out and go find a head shop. Never has a kid with a giant rat passed out next to him looked so bored. I’d look like that...
Diseases I Made Up for the Minor Maladies I Suffer
Crankle - When the back of your ankles sting from sitting hard on the edge of the coffee table while you’re couched and watching Netflix. Known cure: Pillow under the feet, or lay down on the couch and accidentally fall asleep. Narcoltoe – When only your left pinky toe falls asleep while driving for more than three hours. Known cure: None. No amount of shifting in the driver’s seat or adjusting your leg will prevent this. The Probably Not a Brain Tumor – The week-long...
Perfectly Legitimate Reasons to Cry a Little
- You got overzealous about exiting your bedroom and didn’t open the door wide enough before trying to walk out, and thus smacked your boob dead center against it. You’re in a crumpled heap on the floor and Mr. Lefty smarts like a bitch. - You have piled all the necessary ingredients for a seriously impressive ham sandwich into your arms, including but not limited to a bag of potato chips and a container of half mayonnaise half avocado that you keep handy (you’ve taken...
Worst Words and Phrases of 2012
file-sherpa Google Loaf™ hit and runstress IKEA face foodness kinseying breakdinner tiger scarf middle sports moonvulating monkey biting the ole pattinson pat mood steak counterfunk Fassbender Syndrome by Proxy virtual knees nubstep avatarget fiscal rug “graypes” “shut yer Oscar dress” breakuplyn quantum babe post-awesome beardcation recessionophile “talking bread” donglecopter “jesus chic” tamponline “courtneycoxification” flannel channel ingenunicorn gorillify scrobbin’ genie fat bleezers “don’t James my Spader!” “That’s toupeé’d out” yale rap cutmaster Ph. Dope tweepee oxygen hater californtricity hipstress telementary digicorn -Becky Lang and James Diers...
Predictions for 2013
Melbourne hipsters become a thing Lena Dunham and Azealia Banks have brief affair; it doesn’t end well iOS viruses Record players in cars Post-Millennial cohort becomes popularly known as “Generation Tavi” Hook-up apps for seniors Naked libraries Christmas gets Christ-y again Paparazzi catch Paul McCartney and Frances Bean Cobain canoodling Multi-use washable toilet paper Japanese teenagers in animal suits Camilla Parker Bowles gets pregnant; everyone wonders how that happened, but then decides they don’t really want to know. - Jay Gabler, except the Christmas one...
13 Things We Were Indifferent to in 2012
Soccer Ke$ha Ancient Mayans Pee-Wee Herman’s short-lived comeback Gluten Oxford English Dictionary naming “GIF” word of the year Lindsay Lohan’s travails Genocidal-dictator memes Bret Easton Ellis vs. dead David Foster Wallace beef Local celebrities The phrase “local celebrity” Fifty Shades of Grey takeoffs White men - Jay Boller, Jay Gabler, Sarah Heuer, Becky Lang, and Katie Sisneros Photo by Lemrichs (Creative Commons)
If Everyone Was as Honest as Bon Jovi
Because We Can—The Tour is the upcoming fifteenth concert tour by American rock band Bon Jovi. (Wikipedia) Tom Cruise stars as an ex-cop with a stupid name in the plot-free blockbuster action spectacular Because I Can. “Because I Can,” Chris Brown’s slow jam about S&M, featuring a guest verse by Rihanna. “Telling the World About Your Performance Anxiety, Because I Can,” the new hit single by Taylor Swift Because We Could, a memoir by a senior staffer in the George W. Bush administration “Because I...
Alternative Thanksgiving Menus
Vegan Thanksgiving: Tofurkey and soy potatoes. Gratuitously Carnivorous Thanksgiving: Bacon-wrapped turducken. Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: Jelly beans, pretzel sticks, popcorn, and toast. Texas Thanksgiving: Sour milk and secession fries. Grandma’s Nursing Home Thanksgiving: Jell-O, maybe some salt packets. International-Student-Staying-in-the-Dorm Thanksgiving: Sysco gravy and turkey burned by the Ukrainian RA. Dirty Hipster Thanksgiving: PBR, and ten bags of potato chips stolen from the ALDI dumpster. Conceptual Art Thanksgiving: Lying naked in a fetal position in the corner of a stark-white gallery underneath a framed, typewritten notice that...
Types of U.S. Political Candidates: A Field Guide
The young gun Examples: Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin), Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) The young gun is sexy. S/he needs to have a 90% absence of physical flaws complemented by several striking attributes—sparkly green eyes, long, shiny brunette hair flecked with blonde highlights, maybe a butt chin. The young gun has been in the game for a few years, maybe five, maybe ten, long enough to tuck some key legislation into his or her Gucci belt, long enough to win over crowds with passionate orations, pose for photos...
Things That Freak Me Out, In Order From Most to Least Justifiable
My neighbors. They yell a lot and I can’t tell if it’s normal parent-child antagonism or Lifetime Network’s wet dream. Crowds. Particularly those gathered for a single event, such as college football games and Toby Keith concerts. Surgery. When people tell me stories about major procedures they’ve had, I generally cover my ears and scream until they stop. I have done this to friends, coworkers, and even a boss or two. Stop signs. I once lived in a neighborhood constantly monitored by stop sign police. I have...
Types of Married Couples
The ones who never gave up. There were a lot of times when it seemed like this relationship might not work out—the 32 breakups, those cheating pictures on Facebook, the fact that one partner thinks he or she might be gay. No matter. This couple is so determined that making this relationship work is easier and less frightening than venturing out into the dating world that they will hurdle any obstacle in order to keep that shit locked down. They’ve likely dated since high school, and...
More Name Suggestions for Shaun White’s Line of Stride Gum Flavors
White Guilt Cinnamon Frontside Disaster White Cola Crime Oh gingerSNAP Embarassmint Truly Sorry For My Poor Behavior Mango Fried Tomato Black Eye Berry (Bad) Luck’o The Irish (Cream) Detox Mist -Matty Lund and Becky Lang
