Hello, fellow sixth graders of Kew-Forest School. My name is Donald J. Trump, but you can call me Donny. I am eleven years old, I like rid..
It’s 2016. No, I’m not reminding you what year it is (it’s April, get that shit on lockdown). I’m saying it’s fucking 2016. This has becom..
My Dearest Lil’ Weenies,
When I saw you at the grocery store prior to my drive up north for a nice long weekend in a warm cabin, I knew..
Freddie was supposed to look like Freddie Prinze, Jr. (who I had a major crush on), but I could never get the facial propo..
Ding ding! It’s Mr. Sensitive biking by! Scat folk for the guy who knows what “pentameter” means.
No Makeup Selfie
I’m sorry—I know it’s irrational to be annoyed by that question. I’m sure a lot of people want nothing to do with their one-cent change, a..
Experiencing erectile dysfunction due to mid-life malaise.
Watching Albus Severus’s Quidditch game and muttering “I would have caught t..
Michaela is giving up her Dream Job that Pays Less than Her Husband Michael’s to follow her husband to Exotic New City for his High Paying..
“Great party, huh?”
“I guess. Kind of crowded.”
“Well, steal a pile of lettuce, and that’s what you’ll get! I wa..
I guess first of all I should say “hi.” Hi! How have you been? It’s certainly been a long time, hasn’t it? I really hope this letter finds..
Ho, ho, ho! No, I’m not talking about you, Twinkles, though we all saw your Instagrams from Ibiza. Just so you know, it wasn’t me who repo..
I like what you are saying. However, I am not going to virtually kiss you or give you much more time because I am feeling somewhat intimid..