The Tangential

My Emoji Glossary

ShareI like what you are saying. However, I am not going to virtually kiss you or give you much more time because I am feeling somewhat intimidated by how beautiful your profile picture is today. I would like you to think about what you said to the lady at Tesco’s because she was only trying […]

This White Man Does Not Exist

Hi. Hella. How are you? Obviously pretty great, considering. How are you? Same. Right. I wanted to ask you, how does it feel being assumed competent in any situation you enter? We’ll, first of all, thanks for even considering my opinion relevant. I really feel like I have no business voicing anything on many topics, […]


Automated Messages You Can Use BroApp to Send to Your Best Bro

Share“Sup, bro.” “How was your day, bro?” “What side’s it hanging on today? I’m leaning starboard.” “Got some beers, bro? I’ve got a coupla bongos.” “What Axe scent did you go with today, bro? I went with Touch, but I think I’m feeling Phoenix for Tuesday.” “You’re in my thoughts, bro. :)” “What has two […]


E-Mails You Get On Your Neighborhood Listserv

SUBJECT: Free object that nobody in their right mind would want Pile of useless, broken, and likely contaminated crap dumped on the curb outside. Free to whoever wants it. SUBJECT: Re: Free object that nobody in their right mind would want Pile has been claimed within two minutes. SUBJECT: IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ FOR YOUR HEALTH AND SAFETY Piece […]


Missed Connections of the Damned

Why so serious? – m4m – [46] (inside my torso) I’ve always been a sucker for the brooding, sensitive types. So when I glanced over my shoulder and saw you leaning against the inner wall of my hollowed-out ellipsoid body, with your eyes downcast and your tomatolike head cradled in your right hand, my interest […]


An Alien’s Maid of Honor Speech for Her Human Best Friend

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family of the happy couple, I want to thank you all for being here on this joyous occasion. My name is Tiffany, I decided, and I just want to say a few words about the best friend I’ve ever had on this planet. Sarah and Mark are joining themselves today […]


If Famous Authors Could Ghostwrite Pop Star Albums

Haruki Murakami x Taylor Swift -”Eating Invisible Gelato with You” -”Cooking a Simple Meal Wearing a Simple Outfit” -”She Has Cute Ears/I Have an Ice Pick” -”Let’s Name Our Cat After My Brother” -”I Hate Your Patterned Toilet Paper” Drake x Henry Miller “Hold On, We’re Going Back to My Shitty Cramped Paris Apartment” “The […]

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Things I Imagine the 5-Year-Old Instagram Style Icon Would Say About Me Behind My Back

-What percentage of her wardrobe would you say is from Target? 110%? That’s where I buy my dog’s chew toys and nothing else. -Her Instagram following to follower ratio makes me want to vomit these organic Oatie-O’s all over my Dolce and Gabbana pajama footies. -Look who has spent her life eating a few too many […]


My Dream Date with Benedict Cumberbatch

Benny (as I affectionately call him because we’re really quite close now after our three hour long text conversation that was largely comprised of insights about the origins of the universe, preferences on British cheeses, and the smiling poop emoticon) picks me up at my house in the Batmobile. He announces his presence by whispering […]

Ronald Reagan

Classic Conservative Quotations, Translated

“You can’t be for big government, big taxes, and big bureaucracy and still be for the little guy.” (Ronald Reagan) “I have such contempt for you that I don’t think you can even conceive of a reality where ‘big’ and ‘little’ are not opposing moral concepts, even though a lot of you ‘little guys’ drive […]


Congratulations on Your Very Own Ricky Rubio!

I’m sure you want to jump right into life with your new Ricky, but let’s get to know him first. Legend says that Ricky’s father was Javier Bardem and that his mother was a gentle doe who roamed the lush Iberian forests. One day when the doe came across a cool forest pond she bent […]

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How People Following Different Diets Would Die in The Hunger Games

Vegan: Meditating in tree pose for 4 straight days while painted as a tree and then getting stabbed by the Paleo person who is like, “Who’s that skinny guy painted as a tree?” Paleo: Practicing throwing stones with fellow Paleo after a 36 hour fast simulating a real hunt, it occurs to them that they could have […]

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