Category: Haterade
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More Failures of Modern Engineering
Automated parking lot payment systems. I’m talking about the kind where you pay before you drive out, or else pay with your credit card as you leave. Clearly the idea is to eliminate the need for human parking attendants, but they always seem to require at least one human parking attendant standing by to help…
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What the Hell Has Happened to Inaugural Poetry?
The worst possible thing that could happen to poetry has just happened again: a presidential inauguration. Poetic rabble-rousers such as those housed in M.F.A. programs, high school literature teacher conventions in beige-y hotel conference rooms, and a few suburban Caribou Coffee open mic nights were probably as dismayed as I was Monday. If you were…
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Socially-Conscious White Hipster Hip-Hop Bugs Me – Here’s Why
I started thinking about this when Kreayshawn’s* Gucci Gucci came out. This lyric of the chorus sort of bugged me: “Gucci Gucci, Louis Louis, Fendi Fendi, Prada/ The basic bit**es wear that sh**, so I don’t even bother.” Obviously hip-hop has historically involved a lot of posturing when it comes to being able to afford designer…
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An Open Letter to the Drunk Middle-Aged Ladies Who Wouldn’t Leave Me Alone at Last Night’s Train Concert
Dear Ladies, I hope you enjoyed yourself at the KDWB Jingle Ball. You certainly seemed to. You told me you’re teachers, and God knows you deserved a night out. You made the most of it, pre-gaming at a bar down the street and then keeping the buzz throughout the evening with $7.50 cups of Miller…
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How Mitt Romney Coped Today
Mitt Romney wakes at 5 AM underneath navy blue billion-thread count sheets at a hotel that costs more per night than the average American family’s car. He rises, wandering downstairs to the hotel’s breakfast banquet in search of something to nibble on to curb the aching hunger for power in his belly when he spots…
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A Presidential-Campaign Attack Ad Against Me
Jay Gabler wants your vote. He says he has what it takes to move this country forward. But let’s look at his record. He says he’s a small business owner. What he doesn’t mention is that business is a blog where the most popular posts are “Thoughts I’ve Had While Giving a Blow Job” and…
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Signs You’re Being Divisive Just to Be Divisive
• Your divisive content has gotten mad hits … from people who hate it. • You totally do not feel passionate about whatever you’re saying but you think it might get hate read. • While you are making your argument you picture people who do not agree with it feeling further distanced from your point…
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20 Free Headlines About Paul Ryan
4 Most Woman-Hating Things Paul Ryan’s 6-Pack Abs Have Ever Done 18 Most Boring Shirts Paul Ryan Wore this Month Paul Ryan – Is that His Real Name? [Yes.] 10 P90X Moves That Ayn Rand Would Have Used to Hurt Paul Ryan Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney Photoshopped onto 20 Iconic Gay Couples’ Faces Why…
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Red, White, and BOOOOOOO: This 4th of July, What Americans of All Political Stripes Can Agree to Hate On
Buddy—You may know him as Boo’s lackadaisical (read: unimportant) sidekick. But he (deservedly) gets no love. He’ll flip, twist, chase after candy bones, but he tries too hard. You stink, Buddy. Off-Brand Peanut Butter—As a kid, I was sensitive to my parents’ teacher’s salary and would climb onto jungle gym and denounce anyone who made fun…
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You Wanna Come Over HERE and Say What You Just Said About My Man Candles™?
What was that? What did you just say? I don’t think I heard you clearly. You wanna step over here and repeat, slowly and clearly, what you just said about my Man Candles™? I don’t think you made a smart remark about my 2×4™ candle, because I’m sure you’re aware that if you did, I’d take one…
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Enough With the Children’s Choirs Already!
In John Gardner’s seminal how-to-guide On Becoming a Novelist (a professor once told me all books about writing books suck….except for this one), he addresses that nasty habit of writers and other general creative types hating on each other’s work. This is okay, even cool, Gardner says. Just means you have standards. Naturally, this was…
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I’m Sorry, Donna Tartt (and Everyone Else in the World), but “The Secret History” Sucks
I first became aware of Donna Tartt’s 1992 novel The Secret History when I saw it on the nightstands of moms I baby-sat for in high school. I read the description and it seemed like a very Mom’s Escape-From-Reality-Time book; sci-fi was my preferred escapist fiction, so I almost entirely forgot about The Secret History. Years…