An Open Apology to Peanut Butter
Dear Peanut Butter, I’m sorry that I did not consciously realize until recently that you are actually made out of peanuts. Like by virtue of being called “peanut butter” you are a butter-resembling thing made out of peanuts, not general vague brown-ness as I had previously assumed. Usually you taste like sugar, not like nuts. Even your mainstream yet “natural” varieties. My confusion was innocent but understandably offensive. Now I know better. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I vehemently dislike your crunchy variety which I acknowledge...
No One Ruins a Party Like a Steampunk Ruins a Party
I’ve been where you are. Enjoying the night. Letting the smoothness of the jam band on stage sink into you. The bouncing bass. The silver-tight guitar hits. The competent drumming. You’re doing what you can to forget about the week. When all of a sudden some motherfucking steampunks show up. Steampunks are essentially dressing up as Samuel Clemens retro. Steampunks look at a handlebar mustache, muttonchops, perhaps a guidebook for how to properly build a late-19th-century textile factory, a mechanical arm prosthesis, some short story...
Ten Things I Just Can’t Get Into
Animals. In Slaughterhouse-Five, Billy Pilgrim and his fellow escaping American POWs are accosted by German civilians who point out that the escapees’ horses are dying of thirst. “The Americans had treated their form of transportation as though it were no more sensitive than a six-cylinder Chevrolet.” When I read that I felt bad for the horses, but I also empathized with the Americans. You look at a dog and see a beautiful, complex creature; I see a throw pillow that barks and pisses. Food. A fancy...
More Failures of Modern Engineering
Automated parking lot payment systems. I’m talking about the kind where you pay before you drive out, or else pay with your credit card as you leave. Clearly the idea is to eliminate the need for human parking attendants, but they always seem to require at least one human parking attendant standing by to help people when they can’t figure it out—and when they break, it takes a whole army of attendants to explain the machines broke, take people’s money, and make sure the gates...
What the Hell Has Happened to Inaugural Poetry?
The worst possible thing that could happen to poetry has just happened again: a presidential inauguration. Poetic rabble-rousers such as those housed in M.F.A. programs, high school literature teacher conventions in beige-y hotel conference rooms, and a few suburban Caribou Coffee open mic nights were probably as dismayed as I was Monday. If you were looking to return poetry from the brink of obscurity by pointing once-and-for-all to a contemporary, stirring display of prosodical power, you were sorely disappointed by all-around nice guy/memoirist/national poet laureate...
Socially-Conscious White Hipster Hip-Hop Bugs Me – Here’s Why
I started thinking about this when Kreayshawn’s* Gucci Gucci came out. This lyric of the chorus sort of bugged me: “Gucci Gucci, Louis Louis, Fendi Fendi, Prada/ The basic bit**es wear that sh**, so I don’t even bother.” Obviously hip-hop has historically involved a lot of posturing when it comes to being able to afford designer products. Suddenly, Kreayshawn was rolling in and implying that she was above “that shit,” unlike “basic bitches.” While yes plenty of affluent white people really like Louis Vuitton, et. al,...
An Open Letter to the Drunk Middle-Aged Ladies Who Wouldn’t Leave Me Alone at Last Night’s Train Concert
Dear Ladies, I hope you enjoyed yourself at the KDWB Jingle Ball. You certainly seemed to. You told me you’re teachers, and God knows you deserved a night out. You made the most of it, pre-gaming at a bar down the street and then keeping the buzz throughout the evening with $7.50 cups of Miller Lite. That’s great. What’s not so great is the way you harassed my friend and me all the way from “Want U Back” to “Drive By.” First of all, it’s...
How Mitt Romney Coped Today
Mitt Romney wakes at 5 AM underneath navy blue billion-thread count sheets at a hotel that costs more per night than the average American family’s car. He rises, wandering downstairs to the hotel’s breakfast banquet in search of something to nibble on to curb the aching hunger for power in his belly when he spots a pristine, silver receptacle with the words “French Roast” engraved proudly on its side. Romney snatches it, tipping about two tablespoons of the devil’s liquid into a white China mug....
A Presidential-Campaign Attack Ad Against Me
Jay Gabler wants your vote. He says he has what it takes to move this country forward. But let’s look at his record. He says he’s a small business owner. What he doesn’t mention is that business is a blog where the most popular posts are “Thoughts I’ve Had While Giving a Blow Job” and “A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls.” Is this the man you want standing in the Rose Garden addressing the nation? Addressing your children? Addressing our valued allies overseas, some of...
Signs You’re Being Divisive Just to Be Divisive
• Your divisive content has gotten mad hits … from people who hate it. • You totally do not feel passionate about whatever you’re saying but you think it might get hate read. • While you are making your argument you picture people who do not agree with it feeling further distanced from your point of view. • You are hating something generally well-liked that you are actually just bored of hearing about. • You are hating something that it is mildly offensive or at...
20 Free Headlines About Paul Ryan
4 Most Woman-Hating Things Paul Ryan’s 6-Pack Abs Have Ever Done 18 Most Boring Shirts Paul Ryan Wore this Month Paul Ryan – Is that His Real Name? [Yes.] 10 P90X Moves That Ayn Rand Would Have Used to Hurt Paul Ryan Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney Photoshopped onto 20 Iconic Gay Couples’ Faces Why Paul Ryan Should Play Christian Grey 20 Most Confusing Paul Ryan Gosling Tweets Find Out Which Instagram Filter Looks Best on Paul Ryan Pictures of Ron Paul Looking Adorably Grandpa-Like...
Red, White, and BOOOOOOO: This 4th of July, What Americans of All Political Stripes Can Agree to Hate On
Buddy—You may know him as Boo’s lackadaisical (read: unimportant) sidekick. But he (deservedly) gets no love. He’ll flip, twist, chase after candy bones, but he tries too hard. You stink, Buddy. Off-Brand Peanut Butter—As a kid, I was sensitive to my parents’ teacher’s salary and would climb onto jungle gym and denounce anyone who made fun of Flavorite cereal, Target-brand gym shoes, or only had basic cable. But, even I knew off-brand peanut butter was just shit. It should be fed to Buddy. King George...
