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An Open Letter to My Belly Fat

ShareHey there, buddy. You’re probably wondering why I asked you here today. Two reasons: 1) We need to talk. 2) You’re physically attached to my person; wherever I go, you go. You didn’t have much say in the matter. So listen. You and I have been chummy for a while. Why, I even remember when […]

Tinder

Thoughts While Browsing Men on Tinder

Share All of his photos are angled downward. Which means he’s probably shorter than everyone who’s ever taken a picture of him ever. Cargo shorts? Ok, I guess… Not sure if he’s the subject of this Tinder account, or if the fish he’s holding is. The fact that there are fifteen other men in your […]

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Why You Shouldn’t Give Your Baby a Fisher-Price iPad Seat for Christmas

Like Matt Peckham and many commenters, I’m appalled—simply appalled—at the audacity of Fisher-Price. Those soulless bastards have taken their multi-decade commercial conquest of American childhood to new heights with the design and sale of the Apptivity™ seat for babies and toddlers to play with an iPad. I have a busy work schedule, with tweets demanding my […]

Florida

What’s Wrong With Florida?

Jon Stewart has a recurring joke about Florida: “It’s America’s wang.” I’ve only been there once before, as a kid, for my uncle’s 50th birthday. I was sick a lot, and it was humid and buggy the whole time. I remember a can of pop at the Disney Caribbean Island themed hotel cost $5, and […]

peanut-butter

An Open Apology to Peanut Butter

Dear Peanut Butter, I’m sorry that I did not consciously realize until recently that you are actually made out of peanuts. Like by virtue of being called “peanut butter” you are a butter-resembling thing made out of peanuts, not general vague brown-ness as I had previously assumed. Usually you taste like sugar, not like nuts. […]

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No One Ruins a Party Like a Steampunk Ruins a Party

I’ve been where you are. Enjoying the night. Letting the smoothness of the jam band on stage sink into you. The bouncing bass. The silver-tight guitar hits. The competent drumming. You’re doing what you can to forget about the week. When all of a sudden some motherfucking steampunks show up. Steampunks are essentially dressing up […]

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Ten Things I Just Can’t Get Into

Animals. In Slaughterhouse-Five, Billy Pilgrim and his fellow escaping American POWs are accosted by German civilians who point out that the escapees’ horses are dying of thirst. “The Americans had treated their form of transportation as though it were no more sensitive than a six-cylinder Chevrolet.” When I read that I felt bad for the horses, […]

Parking Ramp

More Failures of Modern Engineering

Automated parking lot payment systems. I’m talking about the kind where you pay before you drive out, or else pay with your credit card as you leave. Clearly the idea is to eliminate the need for human parking attendants, but they always seem to require at least one human parking attendant standing by to help […]

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What the Hell Has Happened to Inaugural Poetry?

The worst possible thing that could happen to poetry has just happened again: a presidential inauguration. Poetic rabble-rousers such as those housed in M.F.A. programs, high school literature teacher conventions in beige-y hotel conference rooms, and a few suburban Caribou Coffee open mic nights were probably as dismayed as I was Monday. If you were […]

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Socially-Conscious White Hipster Hip-Hop Bugs Me – Here’s Why

I started thinking about this when Kreayshawn’s* Gucci Gucci came out. This lyric of the chorus sort of bugged me: “Gucci Gucci, Louis Louis, Fendi Fendi, Prada/ The basic bit**es wear that sh**, so I don’t even bother.” Obviously hip-hop has historically involved a lot of posturing when it comes to being able to afford designer […]

Train

An Open Letter to the Drunk Middle-Aged Ladies Who Wouldn’t Leave Me Alone at Last Night’s Train Concert

Dear Ladies, I hope you enjoyed yourself at the KDWB Jingle Ball. You certainly seemed to. You told me you’re teachers, and God knows you deserved a night out. You made the most of it, pre-gaming at a bar down the street and then keeping the buzz throughout the evening with $7.50 cups of Miller […]

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How Mitt Romney Coped Today

Mitt Romney wakes at 5 AM underneath navy blue billion-thread count sheets at a hotel that costs more per night than the average American family’s car. He rises, wandering downstairs to the hotel’s breakfast banquet in search of something to nibble on to curb the aching hunger for power in his belly when he spots […]

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