About Sarah Heuer
Sarah is a community college professor of Philosophy. She has called Minneapolis home since she returned from a brief (and regrettable, she assures you) stint as an Iowan during grad school. Given her educational pursuits, if she was a DJ and/or rap video ho, her name would be Bioethixxx. She spends approximately 75% of her waking hours on GChat (hint, add her), regularly blogs as one half of phiLOLZophy and is known to post frequent self-depreciating overshares on her Twitter.
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Dear Peanut Butter, I’m sorry that I did not consciously realize until recently that you are actually made out of peanuts. Like by virtue of being called “peanut butter” you are a butter-resembling thing made out of peanuts, not general vague brown-ness as I had previously assumed. Usually you taste like sugar, not like nuts. Even your mainstream yet “natural” varieties. My confusion was innocent but understandably offensive. Now I know better. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I vehemently dislike your crunchy variety which I acknowledge...
Your cat ate my hair. I don’t know if my hair resembles an enticing ball of twine or if I just stood too close to the ventless oven while you were cooking sausage, but for whatever reason, your cat wanted to eat my hair. And he tried. Like six times. I kept waking up to the sound of grainy cat tongue ushering strands of my hair into his slimy esophagus, delicate teeth clicking together as they helped it work its way down. As if the...
On Sunday afternoon at Pitchfork Becky and I spent some time hanging out with up-and-coming Chicago-based DJ Chrissy Murderbot. Incidentally, my first introduction to Chrissy (real name Chris Shively) was through the Pitchfork (website, not festival) review of his recent album Women’s Studies. The reviewer referred to him as “your friendly neighborhood Diplo,” a comparison that he irritatedly shrugged off as “missing the point”—“isn’t Diplo the friendly neighborhood Diplo?” he retorted. Before you ask him to babysit your kids, it’s worth noting that he makes...
I have never seen or watched a Harry Potter. Whoa, whoa, whoa…. refrain from throwing the nearest unanchored object at the computer. I have nothing against Mr. HP, I’ve just never really had any interest in the series and the thought of having to digest seven increasingly voluminous books and ten years worth of movies seemed a little daunting. That said, everybody and their mom (literally) has indulged in a little Potter action, so I have heard some things about it simply by being a...
I’m going to level with you. It feels pretty great at first. Why? Because you wouldn’t set yourself up to be used if you didn’t get something out of it in the first place. Maybe you’re needy. Maybe you’re insecure. Maybe you have some idyllic best-case scenario in mind regarding the user and you’re simply willing to take whatever you can get. Regardless, it starts off feeling good; you’ve got their attention—perhaps even their momentary affection—and everything is right with the world. At some point...
Dear Kylie, I’ve only known of you a month but I feel like we’ve been through so much together. That said, I feel like our relationship is one-sided. That’s unfair. I’ve tried to reach out to you. I’ve tried to befriend your friends. They’ve rebuffed me. What else can I do? Ever since I found your lavender BlackBerry in the back of a cab I was excited about the prospects of our relationship. En route to Steve Marsh’s house and eager to impress him and...
After the raging success of the inagural Art Boner post highlighting local artist Ben Lansky’s work, we decided to branch out into other bonerific areas of Minneapolis culture. Thus I bring you MeatTruck.com. Run by the Twin Cities’ own Justin “Porterhouse” Wood, whom I asked to say a few words about the website: Basically, we’re here to celebrate meat. Meat is awesome, and we want to keep the word out. It’s not that we’re anti-vegetarian or anti-vegan or anything… it’s just… meat is...
Radiohead It is a little known fact that Thom Yorke was actually the equally-attractive half brother of David Beckham before a freak recording studio accident during which some sound equipment exploded and a giant electronic fireball burned his face. Confronted with his newly undesirable looks, he sunk into a depression and began writing angsty alternative rock songs under the band name I Took a Radio To The Face as an homage to this life-altering experience, though his label ultimately suggested shortening it to simply Radiohead....
Are you a super relevant hipster hottie? Are you in a relationship with another super relevant hipster hottie? Do you beieve that birth conrol is passé? Only for mainstreamers? Then chances are you might find yourself in the possession of a kewl lil pre-hipster fetus. If you want to be a good parent from the get-go, you’ll give your child a sweet hipster name so they have a shot at relevancy from day one. Below are our best ideas for ‘alternative’ baby names. Morissey Ativan...
The internet is ablaze with rumors that Diplo will be working alongside Beyonce on the singer’s upcoming 4th studio album. Sources say the session already got off on a bad foot when he suggested that Beyonce should change her Sasha Fierce character into a Tamil Tiger alter ego named O.M.G. What follows is what we imagine might transpire when the diva and the dip meet in the recording studio. Beyonce: Diplo, thanks so much for working with me. I’m really wanting to go for a...
INFJ- Why you want one:They’ll sit inside and read Dostoevsky with you on a rainy day, they’re good curators of interests and they’ll find something interesting to do and plan the whole date out (to the second). Spoiler Alert: Icy-cold exterior. Where to find one: Any independent or used bookstore in a trendy neighborhood on a Friday night. Typically they’ll be there before heading to a small divey but not too divey bar to have a moderately pretentious microbrew with their one other friend. Pickup...
1. Guys, exclusively wear t-shirts from your alma mater. Only deviate for first dates when you wear a red or blue ill-fitting polo shirt. Girls, exclusively wear your boyfriend’s sweatshirt from his alma mater. It also helps to start all sentences with, “My boyfriend…” 2. Make a Facebook profile for your cat. Have your cat comment on your wall/photos. These should be the majority of your profile comments. 3. Major in Business. Not Marketing, not Finance, just Business. Get a job managing a department at...
