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50 Shades Of Gay

Alice Blue Amber Amethyst Antique ruby Ball Blue Banana Beau Blue Coral pink Daffodil Deep champagne Deep peach Devy’s grey Flamingo pink Folly Fulvous Fushcia Glitter Hooker’s green Lavender Lust Magenta Mauve Meat brown Mellow apricot Misty rose Mulberry Peach Periwinkle Persimmon Phlox Pink lace Plum Puce Rainbow Razzle dazzle rose Rosewood Ruddy pink Safety […]

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On Being a Dreamer

Every morning I wake up, and I think, “What can I do that is impossible today? What can I do that will crush my spirit in ten thousand ways? How can I disappoint myself and others today?” Sometimes I do a really excellent job ruining my day. On my best days, I get it out […]

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Everything I Know About Suicide I Learned From The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Last summer, Russell Armstrong, the husband of huge-lipped Bravo celebrity housewife Taylor Armstrong, hanged himself. This event came after months of filming, a period of time in which his volatile marriage led to a public separation. He had been an awful husband, we were led to believe from the Housewives franchise. He would skip out […]

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Wow That Was The Gayest Super Bowl Halftime Show Ever

The Super Bowl halftime show was very gay, thank you very much, Madonna. The show took classic themes that skew gay easily—marching bands, Roman warriors, world peace, Madonna–and bedazzled them, exaggerated them, and clothed them in shimmery black muumuus. One muumuu sat upon the shoulders of music’s most closeted wheel-chair bound crooner, Cee Lo Green. […]

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I’ll Give You Cold, Hard Cash for your Dead, Rotting Baby Teeth

Here’s the deal, little boys and girls. You’ve got something I really want. Now wait a second—don’t run off and tell your mom and dad that an old white guy wearing nothing but a beautiful, angelic robe is talking to you—just hear me out first. I think we can help each other. Here’s what I’m […]

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An Adventure So Great We’ll Have to Change Our Names Afterward

Let’s go on an adventure so great we’ll have to change our names when we’re done. We’ll slaughter farm animals that aren’t ours, run naked through the south yelling “Long live the north!” and we’ll steal hearts and take names and accomplish the task of waking the dead. Or, alternatively, we’ll carry the dead around […]

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Real life situations that would be more light-hearted if porny music were playing in the background

Blowing up a yoga ball. Glueing together the vase that fell from the fireplace before your parents get home. Brushing snow off your car. Deleting your Web browser history. Getting dish soap in your mouth and then spitting it out and wiping your tongue with a paper towel. Biting your own toenails off because you’re […]

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McDonald’s New Low Carb Happy Meals

Two slabs of beef served with our Signature Cheese Goo. Paint Signature Cheese Goo onto the slabs of beef with your complimentary Hannah Montana doll; utilize Hannah’s hair in the task of applying and spreading your cheese goo paint. Consume beef slabs. Suck cheese goo from Hannah Montana hair. One baked Chicken breast formed into […]

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I Hope You Never Get In Shape and Leave Me

There is a health craze sweeping the nation. Moms are waking up early and hopping on treadmills. Dads are skipping lunch and “hitting the gym,” donning 20 year old short shorts and K-mart tanks and “working up a good sweat,” which they subsequently shower off in the public locker room, making sure to expose their […]

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Just Suspend Me In Gelatin Already

You’re here because you would like to be suspended in gelatin. There are numerous benefits to a gelatinous lifestyle: you don’t put pressure on your bones, you can choose your color, and you can control the temperature of your environment. Stay at a temperature comfortable for humans, or maybe increase or decrease it when you […]

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Why I Became A Scientologist

Scientology is in the news again, kinda! What would it take for me to become a Scientologist? You’d first have to remove part of my brain—the part of my brain that processes the way people perceive me. I know this is complicated, and really I don’t even know what that part of the brain is […]

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The Rise And Fall Of The Celebrity Blogger

There was a time when oversharing on the Internet was still novel, and readers logged into a blog expecting to see the personal details of a pseudo-celebrity blogger’s life. The early days of blogging were about the bloggers. Oversharing was new and immediate, and some personalities, people like Emily Gould, interviewed yesterday for the site, […]

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