About Jason Zabel
Jason is a hungry, hungry hippo. He is also City Editor of The A.V. Club Twin Cities. He raises several cats but refuses to be called a “cat person,” because he is not part feline. In 2009, he cried 27 times; in 2010, he cried only 3 times. You can follow his Twitter, or add the non-sensical and infrequently updated Idiot Quest Taste Explosion to your blogroll, if you insist on living in 2007.
Website
http://mordzook.com
Alice Blue Amber Amethyst Antique ruby Ball Blue Banana Beau Blue Coral pink Daffodil Deep champagne Deep peach Devy’s grey Flamingo pink Folly Fulvous Fushcia Glitter Hooker’s green Lavender Lust Magenta Mauve Meat brown Mellow apricot Misty rose Mulberry Peach Periwinkle Persimmon Phlox Pink lace Plum Puce Rainbow Razzle dazzle rose Rosewood Ruddy pink Safety orange Scarlet Shocking pink Sky magenta Spire disco ball Taint Tickle me pink Tiffany blue Triangle Twilight Lavender Twink Ultra pink Wisteria —Jason Zabel
Every morning I wake up, and I think, “What can I do that is impossible today? What can I do that will crush my spirit in ten thousand ways? How can I disappoint myself and others today?” Sometimes I do a really excellent job ruining my day. On my best days, I get it out of the way in a hurry: typically all it takes is for me to open up my twitter client or Facebook page and oh boy how quickly I lose faith...
Last summer, Russell Armstrong, the husband of huge-lipped Bravo celebrity housewife Taylor Armstrong, hanged himself. This event came after months of filming, a period of time in which his volatile marriage led to a public separation. He had been an awful husband, we were led to believe from the Housewives franchise. He would skip out on counseling sessions, bully and abuse his wife, and even though the couple was throwing $60,000 birthday parties for their 3 year old daughter, it was widely known that they...
The Super Bowl halftime show was very gay, thank you very much, Madonna. The show took classic themes that skew gay easily—marching bands, Roman warriors, world peace, Madonna–and bedazzled them, exaggerated them, and clothed them in shimmery black muumuus. One muumuu sat upon the shoulders of music’s most closeted wheel-chair bound crooner, Cee Lo Green. Cee Lo, who embodies the charisma of a piece of delicious fried food, didn’t show up until the end of the big gay celebration. He followed Nicki Minaj—the oracle of...
Here’s the deal, little boys and girls. You’ve got something I really want. Now wait a second—don’t run off and tell your mom and dad that an old white guy wearing nothing but a beautiful, angelic robe is talking to you—just hear me out first. I think we can help each other. Here’s what I’m thinking. You know those little, delicious—eh—I mean, gorgeous, or—fuh—those tiny teeth of yours? You know—the little loose ones you’ve got just barely hanging on to both your top and bottom...
Let’s go on an adventure so great we’ll have to change our names when we’re done. We’ll slaughter farm animals that aren’t ours, run naked through the south yelling “Long live the north!” and we’ll steal hearts and take names and accomplish the task of waking the dead. Or, alternatively, we’ll carry the dead around on our shoulders and give them pet names like Hanky and Stewey and Robert and we’ll go to bars and set the dead on stools and order the dead drinks....
Blowing up a yoga ball. Glueing together the vase that fell from the fireplace before your parents get home. Brushing snow off your car. Deleting your Web browser history. Getting dish soap in your mouth and then spitting it out and wiping your tongue with a paper towel. Biting your own toenails off because you’re a disgusting person and they needed trimming. Riding a carousel. When your server reads you the evening specials. Picking up your cat and making her do summersaults. Brushing your demented...
Two slabs of beef served with our Signature Cheese Goo. Paint Signature Cheese Goo onto the slabs of beef with your complimentary Hannah Montana doll; utilize Hannah’s hair in the task of applying and spreading your cheese goo paint. Consume beef slabs. Suck cheese goo from Hannah Montana hair. One baked Chicken breast formed into the shape of the Hamburgler. Served with baked chicken fries on the side, and four dollops of sour cream that’s dyed yellow and red. One plain yogurt topped with raspberries...
There is a health craze sweeping the nation. Moms are waking up early and hopping on treadmills. Dads are skipping lunch and “hitting the gym,” donning 20 year old short shorts and K-mart tanks and “working up a good sweat,” which they subsequently shower off in the public locker room, making sure to expose their flappity bits to every person who looks as though they don’t want to see flappity bits. And youngsters; youngsters are doing sports and running miles and impressing their potential dry-hump...
You’re here because you would like to be suspended in gelatin. There are numerous benefits to a gelatinous lifestyle: you don’t put pressure on your bones, you can choose your color, and you can control the temperature of your environment. Stay at a temperature comfortable for humans, or maybe increase or decrease it when you feel like a taste of the tropics or the arctic or what-have-you. A gelatinous surrounding is the future. Your gelatinous surrounding will provide you with complete control. Gelatin is also...
Scientology is in the news again, kinda! What would it take for me to become a Scientologist? You’d first have to remove part of my brain—the part of my brain that processes the way people perceive me. I know this is complicated, and really I don’t even know what that part of the brain is called. It’s the part of the brain that accurately asserts how others feel about you. What is that? If I had some sort of magical sorting device that allowed me...
There was a time when oversharing on the Internet was still novel, and readers logged into a blog expecting to see the personal details of a pseudo-celebrity blogger’s life. The early days of blogging were about the bloggers. Oversharing was new and immediate, and some personalities, people like Emily Gould, interviewed yesterday for the site, and Diablo Cody, who was then penning blog posts for City Pages, became celebrities. Sure, these writers did focus on topics outside of themselves, but that’s not really why people read...
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