Ford: The new Focus won’t have an opening for the gas tank. No one likes buying gas, right? Now, the Focus has a sleeker profile, you can feel better about your stewardship of our planet, and by the time you run out of gas, we’ll probably have invented some way to keep this feature from slowing you down.

Levi’s: Now, with no fly! Those were sexist anyway.

Birchwood Estates: In this new subdivision, you’ll be absolutely guaranteed safety and privacy. Why? None of the houses have doors!

Simon & Schuster: Now, instead of “pages” (so Iron Age!), each book simply consists of a rectangular hunk of pulp. They still look great on your shelf, and you can download the e-book or just listen to a damn podcast like everybody else.

Tylenol: Let’s just say this: our child-safe cap has never been safer.

REI: Finally a backpack that keeps the load off and remains light while you climb mountains and ford streams. With no flap or zipper, the new Trail Pack forces you to make some important choices about what you really need out there.

Kohler: Our bold look is even bolder, with no drain. All of the style — with only half of the plumbing.

Bausch & Lomb: Our new binoculars bring nature closer than ever, in that you’ll have to walk right up close to it since the binocs have no eyeholes.

Real Love Sex Dolls: How about you try just cuddling for once, you fucking perv.

Samsung: We’ve still got this stylus! Eh? Eh? Stylus!

– Jay Gabler