Hello, fellow sixth graders of Kew-Forest School. My name is Donald J. Trump, but you can call me Donny. I am eleven years old, I like riding my bike, pulling the legs off grasshoppers, and my pleated chinos. I would like to be your class president.
I would be a very good president, the greatest, the very best. Just great. Way better than our class president last year, Jimmy. Terrible! He was terrible, wasn’t he folks? I don’t know if Jimmy hated Kew-Forest School, hated fifth grade, or just had no idea what was going on. Sixth graders, we had the worst. nine. months. in. the history. of Kew-Forest School under Jimmy’s leadership. Worst class president ever? That’s what people tell me. Chess team? Jimmy said, money for the chess team! Sad, Jimmy. I’m sure there are great people on the chess team. Super people. I saw a chess board once, great stuff. Lots of squares. Little pieces that, I don’t know, who really knows? How do we really know? They come over here with their boards and pieces that nobody understands, who knows what they’re doing with them?
I support extensive vetting of chess team members. “What’s this horsey looking one?” I’ll ask, pointing at their face and yelling because that’s what class presidents do. “And the queen is just sitting here. Is she even allowed to move? Who’s to say?” I feel like these are the important questions.
My opponent would have you believe she has a “plan.” Did you see how I put my two fingers up like that just now? That’s called air quotes. It means I don’t actually think she has a plan. I’m very clever and I have other clever gestures in my brain, because it’s very big, my brain. But my opponent Debbie shouldn’t be class president, she should be in detention! Detention Debbie, I’ve heard a lot of people say, I’ve seen it myself. They also say, and I’ve received many letters about this, many people are saying my opponent has been bleeding a lot lately. And often! Who bleeds once a month? I mean, come on! Is she getting stabbed? Maybe there are people who want to and are stabbing my opponent, which we really need to think about. I won’t bleed, fellow classmates. I refuse to bleed. If anybody tries to make me bleed I’ll be like “get out of here with that, stabby thing! You think you can just come in here and stab me? Who do you think I am, my opponent, Detention Debbie?” and then I’ll pull their legs off like a grasshopper. It’s going to be great. Harder than pulling the legs off an actual grasshopper, but I am ready for the challenge, sixth graders. I am ready to go to work pulling the legs off anything for you. You ever pulled the legs off a grasshopper? You can’t hear them screaming, but I bet they are. You can see it in their eyes. I bet they’re all “ooooh! My legs!” It’s fabulous.
We are at war, classmates. And our enemy is fifth graders. They’re sending their worst. Nose pickers, glue eaters, smelly kids…and that’s why we have to build a wall, classmates. We have to build a wall in the center pod where the art supplies are stored that connects Mrs. Nichols’ sixth grade classroom to Mr. Klieman’s fifth grade classroom. And who’s going to supply the boxes of Kleenexes we’re going to use to build this wall? Fifth graders! It’s gonna be huge! So tall! I mean, I am a very impressive 4 feet, 1 and a half inches tall and even I won’t be able to see over it unless I stand on a chair. So tall! Let’s start a chant, guys! Build the Kleenex wall! Build the Kleenex wall! Build the Kleenex wall! Build the…come on, guys, it’s a chant. Just say it with…nevermind. We’ll work on it. Nevermind. It’ll be great, the chant. We’re gonna make chanting great again.
I’m also going to replace the salad bar in the lunchroom with a salad bar that’s a little higher off the ground, so the fifth graders have to really reach to get their salads. Also, I’m going to replace the salad bar food with just lima beans. Lima beans! Yuck! Fellow sixth graders, I’m telling you, you’re not gonna want to eat at that salad bar. Awful. Sad. So sad. Lima beans? More like sad beans. Disgusting.
I’m going to ban the practice of putting up two folders on your desk so your neighbor can’t cheat off your test. This is sixth grade, classmates. We have a little thing I like to call freedom. I’m going to restore law and order to sixth grade classrooms everywhere in this building, all three of them. This especially goes for you, Debbie. Stop putting folders on your desk so I, I mean we, so sixth graders can’t cheat off your tests. Debbie: bad for sixth graders, bad for freedom, has stupid folders with kittens on them which are dumb. Kittens are dumb. I’m going to just ban folders, I think, and also paper.
These are dark times sixth graders. If we aren’t careful, soon we may have to go to seventh grade and then life as we know it will never be the same again. Have you ever seen seventh grade? Crime, everywhere. Hallways, always on fire. Chalkboards, they fingernail screech themselves like haunted chalkboard ghosts. A ferocious Cerberus-like multi-headed beast guards the dodgeball closet, they say he’s eaten five, maybe fourteen kids. Wow.
Mrs. Franzen, the secretary who prints the school news bulletins, says dishonest things about me. “Please keep your children at home if they have pink eye,” she printed. Dishonest! I never had pink eye, never will! I love my eyes, they’re great! I’d never let them be pink, which is a girl color. My opponent Detention Debbie is a girl, and girls like pink! Yet the misrepresenting media is silent. They refuse to expose! Send Debbie and her pink eyes to detention!
Make sixth grade great again! Make Taco Tuesdays in the lunchroom great again by getting rid of the lettuce, which nobody likes! Make sometimes wetting the bed still great again because lots of people do it, it’s totally normal, I’ve received lots of letters, everybody says it, I’ve seen it myself! Make starting secret clubs that everybody can be in except Jimmy great again! Build the Kleenex wall! Build the Kleenex wall! Build the…aw c’mon, you guys.