Millennials: I, [Brooklyn], take you, [Jonas], to be my #mancrushmonday/wifey, to Snapchat and to swipe right on, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for bottomless mimosa brunch times, and for grad school debt times, in gluten-allergies and paleo diets, until YOLO turns to BAAAAIII.

Yuppies: I, [Salix], take you, [Eleanor], to be my consciously-coupled life partner, to take 30-day challenges with and to talk to my therapist about, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in detoxes and bee pollen splurges, until the earth mother’s great plan do us part.

Atheist Nihilists: I, [Friedrich], take you, [Simone], to be my partner in the abyss, to mistake our infatuation for love, from this day forward, in the throes of absinthe binges and the absence of God, until the insignificance of our existence overtakes us once and for all, even though love is a socially-acceptable delusion created by the film industry, and monogamy doesn’t come naturally to mammals.

Rescue Dogs: I, [Snowy], take you, [Spot], to be my partner in this forever home, to belly rub and train with positive reinforcement, from this day forward, for glossier, for flea-ridden, for Beggin’ Strip rich, for pawdicure fab, in rabies shots and in health, until geriatric health problems do us part.

–Becky Lang