8 Things that Might Happen in the New Star Wars
1. The soundtrack will be the original John Williams music as covered by Ryan Adams
2. Emoji subtitles
3. The dark side will be breeding teacup Ewoks
4. In the wake of Empire’s setbacks and destabilized economy, the new galactic currency will be changed to Bitcoin
5. Sarah Koenig will be narrating the search for Luke’s hand
6. Mysterious Adam Driver character will leave halfway through the first movie when Lena Dunham shows up because she wants to talk through their relationship one more time
7. The new, super secret Sith Lord will be Donald Trump’s hair
8. Natalie Portman will complain that Queen Amidala is too much of a manic pixie dream girl
–Lisa Olson and Becky Lang