Suggested rebrands for foods with image problems

Suggested rebrands for foods with image problems

Beef supreme sandwiches

If you like hamburgers, you’ll love beef supremes. Imagine a burger where the sauce isn’t dripped on top, but instead cooked in to the meat. Leave the silly size race—quarter-pound, third-pound, half-pound—behind: with a beef supreme, you can pile as much meat as you want onto the bun. Since the sandwich’s savory filling comes in a giant crockpot, there’s plenty for everyone. (Formerly known as “sloppy joes.”)

Taco frosting

Your taco isn’t complete without a thick layer of this rich white topping. It’s dairy-based, which means you’re basically drinking a glass of milk with your taco. Does a body good! And it’s not just for tacos: slather it on baked potatoes, use it as a chip dip, even try it with pizza! (Formerly known as “sour cream.”)

Hot herb shots

Does all that bitter coffee leave you feeling like the floor of a taxi cab? Instead, supercharge your morning with wholesome herb shots! Just dip one of the convenient ready-to-go bags in a large shot glass of hot water for a few minutes, then yank the bag and slam the shot. You’ll get a burst of guilt-free natural energy: look in the bag, it’s basically just leaves and twigs! If you need a hit even quicker, you can pop a bag straight in your mouth for a direct-contact herbal high. (Formerly known as “tea.”)


This magic dessert fights the Earth’s very pull. Banana slices, marshmallows, pasta rings—whatever you’re into, you can toss it into a pan of this sweet stuff and when the antigrav cools, your treats will be suspended as if in amber. That’s just one of the near-infinite rainbow of colors that antigrav comes in. Mix ’em, layer ’em, cube ’em—your imagination is your only limit! If you want to mix a little vodka in there…well, we won’t tell. (Formerly known as “gelatin.”)

Single-serving seafood

Are you always afraid you’ll swallow a potentially life-threatening bone in your fish filet? Are you grossed out by seeing that salmon staring up at you—or knowing that it could be? Switch to single-serving seafood: these delicacies come individually packed in shells that you can simply hinge open to find a morsel you can pop straight in your mouth. They never had eyes or bones, so that’s not an issue, and they swim as happily in butter and oil as they ever did in the ocean. (Formerly known as “clams.”)

Belgian pearls

Underneath each leafy layer of these wholesome little spheres is a layer that’s even more delicate and flavorful. They absorb flavor like tofu, but they’re not made of weirdly reconstituted soybean stuff. Nope, Belgian pearls grow that way. Just pick ’em—or let your neighborhood grocer do the picking for you—and cook them any which way. Sauté them, bake them, boil them: any way, you can’t lose. Belgian pearls are 100% vegan, but carnivores can add bacon for a perfect duo. (Formerly known as “Brussels sprouts.”)

Mrs. Fezziwig’s firecake

Relive the excitement and charm of Christmas in Dickens’s day with a generous serving of firecake: the cake you ignite before you eat! Baked with a cornucopia of sweet, natural ingredients, this surprisingly complex creation isn’t complete until doused with spirits and set aflame before the astonished eyes of your guests. Don’t worry about putting out the fire: everyone’s mouths will be watering. (Formerly known as “fruitcake.”)


These vegetables are as versatile as the musical genius whose favorite color is the hue they exude: a rich, vibrant purple. Slather them with butter, rock them hard in a funky mix of greens, or slide them slowly along a grater to extract the full flavor of these luscious orbs. Tear up the roots and let them rip a soulful solo—in your mouth. (Formerly known as “beets.”)


Have you ever wondered why beef can’t be as easy to eat as, well, a cake? Guess what: it can be. Just grind it up, toss it in a pan with some spices or whatever, and bake it until it’s ready to slice. No cutting or chewing necessary: just fork off a chunk and use your tongue to push it around a little in your mouth to enjoy that all-American flavor and to break it up for easier swallowing as the next bite makes its way to your lips. Pure beef, pure pleasure. (Formerly known as “meatloaf.”)

Party favors

Your next party will be a gas if you include these li’l funbags on the menu. They’re cheap, they’re flexible, and they’re guaranteed fun for you and all your guests. Who needs charades when you have the surefire chuckles and mirthful mysteries of “Who Smelt It Dealt It” and “Who Said the Rhyme Committed the Crime”? (Formerly known as “beans.”)

Jay Gabler