1. Eating an entire plate of Christmas cookies and then throwing them all up in the bushes outside is no longer considered cute.
There are no pats on the back and “oh, honey, how are you?”s or “Did you eat Santa’s cookies?” Instead, your family asks you why you came to Christmas high and then ate all their tree-shaped cookies. Sorry, Santa, the munchies set in before your reindeer were even harnessed.
2. The department-store Santa can’t magically grant your wishes any more.
You feel too large on his lap. When you ask him for a boyfriend for Christmas he just ho-ho-hos and winks at you. Either that was Santa’s way of asking you out or it was a blatant “keep wishing, girlie.” You feel nostalgic for the days when you could perch on his lap and get everything you wanted without worrying about what he wanted.
3. The Salvation Army bell ringers no longer pinch your cheeks and exclaim over how cute you are.
Instead, they hustle all the quarters and singles out of your purse each time you pass by.
4. The footie pajamas your grandma always gives you for Christmas as no longer really appropriate.
Nonetheless, you keep accumulating them every year and shoving them in the bottom drawer of your dresser. Then your boyfriend finds your secret drawer of footie pajamas, assumes you have some kind of weird fetish, and breaks off the whole deal then and there.
5. At all the adult Christmas parties you’re forced to attend, you find that crying and saying you’re tired is no longer an appropriate way of getting a ride home.
Damn it, Snooki, looks like we can’t all live in your world.
– Rachel Sicheneder