Are there really only two entrances to this vast parking lot? That seems like a small number of entrances. Who decides these things?

It’s cute how this elderly couple are joking and laughing with each other. They’re just so happy to be walking into Walmart together.

Walmart sure is trusting with their bags of peat moss—they just leave them laying out here in the parking lot. Is there someone whose job it is to watch for people stealing peat moss? How would they even know whether it was stealing?

I think on the way home I want to listen to some Steve Winwood—Back in the High Life. That’s such a yuppie album. Maybe what I really want is just to listen to some yuppie music. When I’m done shopping, I’ll sit in the parking lot and make a Spotify playlist.

It’s cute how all these little Spider-Man bikes are chained together. I’d better Instagram this.

Wow, there’s seriously a sign here reminding people to check and make sure they haven’t left any kids in the car.

I wonder why this guy is hanging out here in his power scooter with his dog. Must be waiting for someone.

Was it some employee’s idea to put this display together, or was a manager like, “Hey, Crystal, can you make a giant Cookie Monster head out of two blue kiddie swimming pools and two styrofoam balls, then put those bundles of sale-priced paper towels in Cookie Monster’s mouth?”

There’s a hair salon here. Maybe I should get a haircut, just for fun. There are no sinks there, though. It would be more fun if I could get a haircut with a shampoo.

Rechargeable batteries: worth it?

I must be in Princeton. These shirts that say “PRINCETON Minnesota” are kind of funny. If I Instagram this, can I make an Ivy League joke in the caption without sounding like a total asshole to anyone who knows I went to Harvard? Probably not.

There’s as much body wash here as there is shampoo. Does basically everyone use body wash? Is it weird that I don’t?

I want a Little Tree for my car. I just want one, so I’m going to buy one.

The scent I like best here is pine tree, but I kinda want to save that scent for Christmas. I wonder if this cotton candy one would be good. Would it be weird if I had a cotton-candy-scented Little Tree hanging from my rearview mirror?

Actually, it’s not so much that I want a Little Tree as that I want food.

I think I want veggies and dip.

There is not one single light veggie dip here. All of them are full-calorie, full-fat. Do Walmart customers seriously just not want light veggie dip, ever? I feel like Target would definitely have light veggie dip.

I wish there was a medium-size veggie-and-dip platter. There’s just these little snacky ones and these huge party platters. I wish there was, like, a veggies-and-dip-as-a-meal size.

I guess I’ll just get this chicken caesar wrap.

Why are wraps always cut in half at an angle? I guess so you have a little shelf to keep the filling from falling out.

Why are the only two picnic tables on Walmart’s property sitting exactly underneath the giant Walmart sign? I feel like these must be for employees on break, since if you wanted customers to use them you’d put them by the front door. If you don’t want customers to use them, though, don’t you want them to be inconspicuous? Under the sign, they’re neither inconspicuous or convenient. It’s just weird.

Jesus Christ, this is a good wrap.

While I eat, I’ll Google “yuppie music” to get some ideas for the playlist.

How long have I been sitting here making this playlist? About an hour, I guess. Better head home now.

Is this Tears For Fears playing first on shuffle? NICE. Today is gonna rule…as soon as this hangover lifts.

– Jay Gabler