Top Ten Reasons to Leave the Twin Cities and Go to the Suburbs
10. Victoria Valley Orchard. There are lots of places to pick apples and fondle pumpkins in the Twin Cities, but none feel as charming or sincere as this little family-owned orchard in Shoreview. (Their motto: “Live happely.”) In the fall you can climb the hill with a basket to pick your peck from the apple trees, then grab a pumpkin from one of the carts full of them and choose a freshly-made pie from the shelves on your way to the register. All that bucolic autumn action without even driving north of 96.
9. Lilli Putt. The name tells you everything you need to know about this medieval-themed entertainment center in Coon Rapids. It’s not the fanciest mini-golf course in the Twin Cities (that would be the actual miniature golf course at Centennial Lakes) or the most creative (that would be Walker on the Green), but sometimes you just need to putt a pink ball through a goddamn castle, you know?
8. Campus of University of Northwestern. Not to be confused with Northwestern University in Illinois, this is the University of Northwestern in Roseville. It was founded in 1902 as Northwestern Bible and Missionary Training School, and its almost eerily bucolic campus is a much better advertisement than its awkward name. Highlights include the portrait of Billy Graham (president, 1948-1952) and the indoor bird window.
7. Woodbury Central Park. In classic suburban spirit, this “central park” is enclosed in glass. I once acted in a dog medicine commercial here (don’t ask), and the finished ad totally made it look like my sprightly “girlfriend” and “our” dogs and I were cavorting through a tropical paradise.
6. Bunker Beach Water Park. Normally, people go to the suburbs to get more space, but on hot summer days, this Anoka wave pool becomes the densest mass of chlorine-drenched humanity in the Upper Midwest. Grab a tube, jump in, and get ready to become intimate with your neighbors’ elbows, feet, and asses: tequila may “make her clothes fall off,” but there’s no substance or circumstance that strips swimsuits from her, him, and you like the Bunker Beach wave pool at high tide.
5. Minnesota Renaissance Festival. Full disclosure: I’ve been to the Renaissance Festival twice, and I’ve never had a completely satisfactory experience. I get there, look around, decide I don’t want to buy these mugs or wait for that jousting match to start, then have a Solo cup of mead and leave. That said, a surprisingly diverse cross-section of my friends absolutely adore the RenFest, and it’s definitely worth at least one visit to see the elaborate, ye olde village that sits incongruously in a field in Shakopee.
4. St. Petersburg Restaurant & Vodka Bar. Moscow on the Hill is fine if you want to sip premium vodka and listen to people lie about their years in the Russian mob, but if you really want to cut loose like a drunken uncle in a Chekhov play, you need to board the bus to Robbinsdale. The St. Petersburg Restaurant & Vodka Bar (appropriately, its URL is myvodkabar.com) sits inconspicuously on top of the Robbinsdale American Legion, in a small but glittery nook where shamelessly trashy vodka drinks are purveyed while a pianist warbles intercontinental standards. If Obama and Putin would just come do a Robbinsdale bar crawl together, this whole Ukraine situation could be cleared up in no time.
3. Great Clips IMAX Theater. Every multiplex brags about having an IMAX theater now—and Atmos, VIP, whatever. For people who like their big screens big, though, the only game in town is the vast expanse that rises in front of you in the one-screen Great Clips IMAX Theater next to the Minnesota Zoo. The repertoire is wide-ranging: as I write, today’s screenings include Island of Lemurs: Madagascar 3D, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Forrest Gump.
2. Minnesota Landscape Arboretum. It’s like a zoo, but for trees and crazy sculpture.
1. Libraries. Minnesota has more libraries than McDonald’s, and every single one of them is worth a visit. From the majestic sprawling expanse of Stillwater’s historic public library to the vaulted wooden barn of Lakeville’s new Heritage Library to the cozy Waconia library, you’ll never regret poking your head in. You might even be tempted to sit and read for a spell.