This White Man Does Not Exist


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Hi.

Hella.

How are you?

Obviously pretty great, considering. How are you?

Same.

Right.

I wanted to ask you, how does it feel being assumed competent in any situation you enter?

We’ll, first of all, thanks for even considering my opinion relevant. I really feel like I have no business voicing anything on many topics, unless asked, of course, which you are for some reason doing.

Really for my own benefit and sanity.

I’m on board.

Great.

Anyways, it’s very, very convenient for me. With that in mind, I do try to make that awareness of it a constant. I can’t do anything to change the fact that I’m a white man, but I can confront and combat the belief systems behind this social construct slash hierarchy so that this assumption is no longer afforded to just a select group of people.

Oh damn, still busting the ‘slash’ full out.

Ha, yes. 2014.

Cool. Do you consider yourself a feminist?

I do.

Thanks for not saying something like, “I consider myself a person-ist” as if to neg and one up me in my own goddamn interview.

No problem.

What’s your stance on asking adult women if they know what a word means?

I’m sorry?

As it pertains to the tidbit or story you’re about to launch into.

Are we talking really profession-specific terms?

No, like the word ‘synergy’.

Oh god. No. What?

Great. What are you plans for later?

Drink some wine prolly. Watch a show, hug a dog.

Veddy good. So, this interview is essentially troll bait for the exact people that I created you to counter. What do you think their one response will be?

You can’t see me but I’m knowingly smiling right now.

Do you want to say it together?

It’d be an honor.

Not all of us are like that.

Not all of us are like that.

Ahahaha. 

“Actually…”

What would be even better is if a white dude actually wrote a parodied version of this but with a white woman and really SLAMMED her.

The ultimate revenge.

What is that?

I mean, that immediate tug of “Hey!” can dissolve just as easily as it presents itself if you give some context to a situation or if literally any aspect of your life is put into perspective.

Also who cares.

Why you cry?

GO PROVE ME SO WRONG, right? Or put it in your gratitude journal, honestly up to you.

Pin it.

Ha! Hit up my ‘trest page at favgrandma98.¬†Anyway, on that topic, do you ever feel the need to speak out for yourself or others?

Like as an ally or…

No, like in a space for minority voices and re: their issues, or in an arena that based on biology alone you have no concept of, such as pregnancy and it’s pre/post activities?

I very much don’t and in fact I’m dead silent.

Thanks. Anyway, and this is not a compliment, but you’ve managed to be not an asshole when many of your people are. How did you get here?

Just unlearning a lot of things while at the same time seeking out things that, like this, may be uncomfortable at first, acknowledging the privilege that discomfort stems from, being active about sourcing different perspectives, and realizing that I know almost nothing about anything. I mean, there’s so much shit I don’t know it’s crazy.

Fair enough. What’s your dating life like?

Well, I have zero assumptions about people’s sexuality, gender, availability, or interest, and even lower expectations, so I’m pretty set up in that dept.

Guh’fuha you. And finally, Woody Allen–

FINISH HIM.

Thank you for your time.

Erin Sullivan