Thoughts While Browsing Men on Tinder

Thoughts While Browsing Men on Tinder


Tinder

All of his photos are angled downward. Which means he’s probably shorter than everyone who’s ever taken a picture of him ever.

Cargo shorts? Ok, I guess…

Not sure if he’s the subject of this Tinder account, or if the fish he’s holding is.

The fact that there are fifteen other men in your main picture means I can’t trust you with simple internet stuff, and if I can’t trust you with simple internet stuff you’re basically as useless as an avocado slicer.

You seem like exactly the kind of dude my mom would ultimately end up being right about.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHAT’S WITH ALL THE CARGO SHORTS.

The woman in one of your pictures is prettier than me, so thanks for ruining my day, asshole.

Alright, Peace Signs McGee, who do you think you are? A Japanese highschooler on a field trip?

You’re actually good looking, but I don’t think you’d think I am, so I’m gonna “nope” you on the assumption you’ve already done the same.

KCCO? KCCNo.

The only thing we have in common is we both like The Beatles, which is so broad that you could be a serial killer for all I know. And I just can’t take that chance.

Flannel pic, yay! Another flannel pic, oh boy! ROLLED UP SLEEVES flannel pic! Now we’re getting somewhere. Wait, a fourth flannel pic? Jesus dude, chill out.

If I ever meet you in person, I’m going to ask you what you think “living life to the fullest” means. And if you answer with anything other than “Nothing, it’s a completely hollow phrase devoid of any contextual merit, but seemed innocuous enough to attract a wide swath of comfortably bland women,” I’m going to flick you in the ear.

You look like Jeff Goldblum. I’m…okay with that?

Wait, we both liked each other? Well now what? Ugh, God this is SO much work.

For some reason, this picture says to me “I want to cuddle in bed and eat chicken nuggets while we watch Spaceballs.” Better trust my instincts and say “Yep.”

Your “About” section only has your snapchat name. S’cool, I get it, Tinder is just your nudie pic scheduling app.

OH MY GOD PUT A SHIRT ON WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN.

I dunno, your nose sits a little too high on your face. Oh god, what kind of person am I? Who the fuck says that about another human? Am I actually this picky? Do I actually care about such superficial things? Am I going to die alone? I mean I have met some horrible people with atrocious personalities who are in relationships. What does that say about me? I swear to Christ if one of my little sisters gets married before me I will go full-blown Carrie on her at the ceremony. No I won’t, that’s TERRIBLE! Why would I say that?! TINDER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME.

Katie Sisneros


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    I find that the fish photos and cargo shorts are specific to MN-area Tinder men. We don’t get too much of that in NY…we get a lot of that dumb Game of Thrones chair and photos with tigers for some reason.

    • Woah, TIGERS! COOL!

      And by “cool” mean “so not cool.”