A video montage, set to music by Sarah McLachlan, of all the cushions, legs, and stuffed animals his pro-neutering advocacy saved from being violated.
A trip to…sunny Brazil!
A Happy Gilmore DVD.
Denture cream (it’s practical).
The cash equivalent of whatever you were going to get him.
A fucking normal non-skinny microphone, goddamnit.
A giant game of Plinko where hookers drop down at him.
A Showcase featuring a casket, a cemetery spot near Marilyn Monroe, a guaranteed spot in the Emmys “We remember…” montage, and a jet ski.
Drew Carey dressed as a grinder monkey.
Skeleton spray tan.
An extra spin on the Grim Reaper’s Big Wheel.
A Showcase Showdown movie directed by Michael Bay.