As many of you approach your ninth birthday, I can’t help but think that how long you’ve been alive is a year shy of how long I’ve been a fully functioning adult (I’m 46) and about how much life lies ahead of you.
So, as you venture down this unknown path, there are a few things that I’d like you to remember as you get older. Obviously, I’m no life expert, BUT I DID STAY AT A HOLIDAY INN LAST NIGHT! No, but seriously, there’s something about my life that makes me I wish I would have done things differently. Here’s the advice I wish a man would have told me.
1.) GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. Get your head on that pillow, girl. Sleep until you feel rested.
2.) EAT FOOD AND ALSO DRINK WATER. Some foods that are good are tacos, bagels, salads, and sandwiches. A little tip: you can make sandwiches out of bagels.
3.) PUT BANDAIDS ON CUTS. Think your cut doesn’t want a bandaid on it? Think again, friend. Speaking of friends, be one to your wound.
4.) FIND SHELTER TO LIVE IN. I like studios, but some people like town homes and it’s like…?
5.) LEARN TO READ. You’re going to come across many things in your day to day life that require literacy. Bus times, even people’s t-shirts. Don’t be burned by public transit again.
6.) NEVER FORGET TO BREATHE. I don’t mean to take a moment for yourself, I mean to physically take in oxygen and convert that into CO2, constantly, for roughly sixty more years.
7.) SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY WHEN IT’S SOMEONE’S BIRTHDAY. Just a little somethin’ to brighten their day, their day of birth.
8.) CALL YOUR ‘BRAIN’ YOUR ‘BRIAN’. It’s silly but fun.
9.) MAKE LISTS ABOUT YOUR EX WIFE. Recount the ways in which you failed your marriage. Disregard your ex-wife’s actions that may have contributed to your divorce as she is a nonentity even now. Even if you’ve never been married and are currently single it is still mandatory that you do this.
10.) MAKE LISTS FOR ANYONE WHO CAN READ. This is hard because if someone hasn’t done #5 this doesn’t work. Sort of a Catch 22, like life.
11.) LOOK UP THINGS ON YOUTUBE. Many of us can’t forget Michelle Tanner’s unforgettable “Love Shack” dance rendition.
12.) EAT CIGARETTES. Seems healthier than smoking them?
13.) DON’T SAY ‘TWERK.’ Not even once.
14.) MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A SONG IN YOUR HEART. And may that song be Train’s ‘Meet Virginia’.
15.) REMEMBER CRAYONS? Remember them.
16.) NEVER MET A DOG I DIDN’T LIKE! Except you, Sydney! I’ll see you in hell.
17.) JUMP ROPING HARD AS FUUUUUUUU. Great cardio, though.
18.) WHITNEY? More like Whatney because what.
19.) ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALLLLL! Maaaaybe ;)
20.) BOOMBOOMBOOM: A’lemme hear you say heyo.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
If you are reading this and your life isn’t what you want it to be, 100% commit to applying these lessons while there is still time. LADIES- THIS IS YOUR CHALLENGE. If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it with any and all of your nail art.
Photo by CynicalView