Don’t wear a red shirt to target

— Ellie McElvain (@elliemce) September 3, 2013

Hey tuneless whistler walking behind me in the parking structure- if you’re not wearing a bloody butcher’s apron you’ve wasted my time.

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 28, 2013

My entire, fantastic Yellowstone visit was ruined by a single tshirt that said Yolostone. #yolo #clearancesale #yellowstone

— Halley (@MissHalleyG) August 28, 2013

This airport bookstore has no idea I don’t plan to buy a magazine. So far I’ve looked at 3. Oh, to see their faces when they learn the truth

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 25, 2013

When the only cute guy in the cafe you are working in leaves and you can go back to chewing your hair/normal working instead of sexy working

— Kat Georgé (@kat_george) August 24, 2013

Has anyone coined a term for the joy/relief one feels when their instagram reaches 11 likes?

— ☁♡kyra♡☁ (@kyraherning) August 23, 2013

If you’re going to be an adult man with a kids name I think “Danny” is the way to go.

— Chrissy Stockton (@xsssy) August 22, 2013

Most ideal band-venue pairing of all time, @Reviler. Photos: Slut River at Fuck Mountain http://t.co/hVHcU52ovu

— Reed Fischer (@gimme_noise) August 21, 2013

Flattering or insulting when someone tells you he finished your novel on the toilet? #thatssomegoodshit

— Curtis Sittenfeld (@csittenfeld) August 20, 2013

there are lots of things that i don’t miss about being a student, but god i get a contact high just THINKING about fresh school supplies

— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) August 20, 2013

I’m wearing my swimsuit bottoms as underwear like some sort of sad superhero.

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) August 17, 2013

I believe my best hair days are still ahead of me.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) August 15, 2013

TEXTS MY GRANDMOTHER ODDLY HAVE THE EXACT SAME GRAMMATICAL ERRORS/PATTERNS AS TEXTS FROM MY DRUG DEALER

— ΞMiLY (@TEENSLUT666) August 12, 2013

– Compiled by @JayGabler