The full bar. You pride yourself on being able to whip up whatever your guests desire, so you stock a wide selection of liquors, mixers, and beers. You’ve built a custom fixture that houses a locking cabinet and mini-fridge, and you have bar towels from 14 different English pubs tacked up on your wall.

The specialist. You are “famous” for your signature version of one particular cocktail. Anyone who wants a drink at your place (and probably also anyone who doesn’t) is going to get one. There are no other options.

Hand to mouth. When you feel like drinking something, you go buy it. By the next morning, it’s gone. When you entertain, you offer your guests water, milk, or a walk to the liquor store.

The frat house. At all times your refrigerator contains several dozen cans of Miller Lite, and nothing else. At all.

The stash. You keep your booze under your bed, either (a) because you’re hiding it from your roommates, (b) because you’re hiding it from yourself, (c) because you’re hiding it from your parents, or (d) purely for the sake of convenience.

The random dregs. Your fridge has a Sierra Nevada, two Rolling Rocks, and a Blue Moon; in your cupboard, there’s a shot or two left in the handle of vodka and there’s half a bottle of vermouth. Can you even drink that by itself? And…oh yeah, there’s also probably some Jack left in that flask you have in that camping pack.

The archivist. You bought a bottle of brandy in 1994, and it’s still in your cupboard along with the bottle of bottom-shelf vodka you bought for your book club’s Bloody Mary brunch in 2008. Unbeknownst to you, they have both been thoroughly watered down by your teenage children.

The Bacchus. You always keep a box or jug of cheap wine handy, and drink a few glasses every night “for your health.” You also buy bottles of cooking wine, which strangely never seem to last very long in your cupboard.

The Arctic reservoir. Nothing in the cupboard, nothing in the fridge, but open the freezer and…aah! Two liters of pure, ice-cold Bombay Sapphire.

The moocher. Why buy your own booze when you have roommates?

– Jay Gabler

Photo by Joe Goldberg (Creative Commons)