if there was a book called How To Talk To People Who Have Kids I would actually buy and read it

— Emily Gould (@EmilyGould) July 8, 2013

I got kicked out of the Babysitters Club because I fucked a dad

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) July 7, 2013

For a bird-flipping road-rage alternative, may I recommend the sarcastic, overly enthusiastic thumbs up.

— Maggie Ryan Sandford (@Mandford) July 7, 2013

Moral of Mad Men: the attractive white straight man can overcome adversity.

— Becky Lang (@leckybang) June 22, 2013

omg can you old people please stop writing about cronuts

— Hazel Cills (@hazelcills) June 19, 2013

My feeling is this, ladies: if you dressed like Blossom as a child, you have no business dressing like that now

— kara nesvig (@myfakeyelashes) June 18, 2013

I’d rather you not reply to my email than reply with “k”.

— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) June 18, 2013

please respect my privacy as I open all my new snapchats

— Sean (@SeanBlazed) June 16, 2013

My new rap name: Lil Cramp

— ☁♡kyra♡☁ (@kyraherning) June 16, 2013

Mario Kart’s “The closer to 1st place you are, the less useful power-ups you get” system is an ideal model for how our economy should work

— yung spam (@spamremix386) June 10, 2013

– Compiled by @JayGabler