Every once in a while, fall over in a way that looks really funny—but without actually hurting yourself. Like, fall on your ass while on an ice-skating date, or wipe out while jogging in a way that shows how out-of-shape and in need of a life epiphany you are.

Get instrumental accompaniment. Start with light piano, then work your way up to acoustic guitar strums, and finish up with a soaring track from an album Pitchfork gave an 8.3 when it was released three years ago.

Fireworks. Do whatever you need to do, but stand in front of fireworks every time it gets dark. Every time. Sparklers are fine in a pinch.

Hang out with easily pegged archetypes. If you have a roommate, make sure he’s a classic stoner. Your BFF should be slightly better-dressed, but also slightly less attractive than you. Make sure your dad wears flannel shirts and your mom noses into your life at humorously inappropriate moments.

Have some kids run around crazily. They don’t need to be yours, but find some little kids to go apeshit all over a living room or backyard while you stand in the middle and yell at them ineffectually.

Never have sex—just kiss and get your partner to take off his/her shirt. The kiss should ideally be against a wall in the rain, and the shirt should come off while he or she is standing next to your bed; when this happens, you should be lying on your back in the bed, looking surprised and awed by his/her hot bod. Everyone’s pants stay on.

Live in a picturesque setting. Cities are great, but only if they have recognizable skylines and famous landmarks. Otherwise, move to a small town with dusty roads and golden sunsets.

Dance. Dance well if—and only if—dancing is your LIFE. Otherwise, dance poorly. For efficiency, this can be combined with the amusing fall.

Call someone out for being slightly offensive. Since all your friends should be classic archetypes (see above), you can and should engineer a situation where—for example—your redneck dad in his flannel shirt says something slightly offensive about your flamboyant gay friend. Call your dad out for this to show you’re personally enlightened, despite the entertainingly unenlightened supporting characters in your life.

Always be coming to a moment of truth. You were confused about your life, until…now.

– Jay Gabler