PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL IS MY DREAM WOMAN. OLDER, A BITCH, AND PART CAT.

— ΞMiLY (@TEENSLUT666) May 11, 2013

Most adorable prison synonym? Gotta be pokey.

— Jay Boller (@jaymboller) May 8, 2013

When I’m rich I’m going to hire a trainer but really just someone to hide in the bushes and jump out and smash burritos out of my hands.

— Kat Georgé (@kat_george) May 8, 2013

OUR NATION TURNS ITS LONELY EYES TO YOU, BLANKET JACKSON.

— Mouthful of Platinum (@mouthofplatinum) May 8, 2013

why don’t you make like my dreams and die

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) May 6, 2013

That paradox where you know that as soon as a box of ice cream sandwiches exists in your freezer it no longer does.

— Katie Sisneros (@katiesisneros) April 30, 2013

When people are like what if my blue is your yellow I’m like probably not.

— Becky Lang (@leckybang) April 30, 2013

Why is everyone 27?

— matt (@biorhythmist) April 27, 2013

The harmonica in a Bob Dylan song just frightened my cat to a level of absolute terror I have never before seen.

— Dana Raidt (@dana_darko) April 24, 2013

I think we all went to high school with Amanda Palmer.

— Marc Butcavage, ESQ (@marcbutcavage) April 22, 2013

how early was the coffee to booze transition? that’s how we should measure how good our days are

— Sarah Harper (@s424h) April 20, 2013

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change their Facebook status.

— dance blessed (@dance_blessed) April 16, 2013

looking at facebook feels like being fucked with a butter knife

— Mira Gonzalez (@miragonz) April 15, 2013

Do, dump, marry: skinny Chandler, fat Chandler, Matthew Perry

— Emily Weiss (@Piefingers) April 15, 2013

roll up to the club in a perennial yearning that will never be fulfilled

— Melissa Broder (@melissabroder) April 15, 2013

I think your knee is in my heart

— ameel (@poolpaarty) April 10, 2013

Real AA meetings are only, like, 50% as much about who brings the snacks as scenes in TV shows would lead you to believe.

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) April 10, 2013

My dad tucks his Hawaiian shirt into his jeans lest there be any confusion on who the dad is.

— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) April 7, 2013

what if it turned out that Victoria’s secret is her personality

— Natalie Patricia (@nataliesurely) April 7, 2013

He’s in my phone as Christ the Fling

— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) April 3, 2013

Hello all! So Aaron unfortunately dropped his phone in the koi pond at KOI yesterday. He’ll be connected with you guys again soon. – AC Mgmt

— Aaron Carter (@AARONCARTER) April 9, 2013

– Compiled by @JayGabler