Do you think bloody maries are disgusting because they are salty, bitter and strange? You’re not alone. Lots of people hate bloody maries. But not me. I drink them all the time – and I will help you understand what it is we ‘taste’ in them and where we are coming from. Here’s what you need to know:
1. We don’t judge you for not liking bloody maries.
We get that bloody maries are like drinking cold tomato soup with vodka in it, or like sipping watery salsa. We get that we are entering a strange world of pain with our so-spicy-it-hurts concoctions. We don’t expect you to join in. If you don’t like tomato juice, you’ll probably never like bloody maries, so there’s no point ordering one ‘to get what it’s all about’ and then sipping at it passively while trying not to vomit. Just order a mimosa.
2. We like weird flavors.
Did the world need pepper-infused vodka? No, but bloody mary drinkers are the type of people who are bored with regular things and want to just taste something straight-up weird. If you can infuse that vodka with basil, we will pay an extra $2. Bacon? Yes please.
3. We are hungry.
I usually get bloody maries when I have eaten nothing else that day but have sat around reading for 2 hours waiting for my boyfriend to wake up. When I get to the bar I am starving and that olive and piece of cheese really helps. The best bloodies are appetizer platters.
4. We want an excuse to drink in the morning.
Bloody maries are one of the only appropriate ways, and sometimes even come with a little beer chase. Bonus!
5. The bottom of a bloody mary is universally disgusting.
One reason why you hate bloodies could be that you tried to drink the whole thing, even the bottom which is mostly tomato chunks, capers and sriracha. That is gross. My boyfriend always asks why I never finish my bloodies and that is why.
6. We like reviewing things.
Unlike beer, bloody maries are different everywhere. Bloody mary drinkers like to build indexes in their heads of their own opinions on stuff around town, and judging bloody maries is a great way to do that. They are a highly variable experience – some of them fishy and barfy and some of them pleasurably bacon-y. We like to play judge at brunch.
I hope that helped you understand. Remember, you don’t have to like them just cuz we do!
Photo is a bloody mary I had in Wisconsin Dells, made by an extremely drunk bartender. It contained bacon-infused vodka, and was the best bloody mary I ever had.