Girl, you’re like Skinny Girl margarita mix. Bitches on reality TV get so jealous of your jelly they want to put you in a blender.

Your body is like the opposite of crack, in that I have never done crack but I have done you in my marital bed.

When I smell your hair it’s like doing poppers. My butthole gets loose and I get a headache for 3 days.

You’re like Ambien baby, you cause me to eat cookie dough in the middle of the night and drive into my garage door.

You’re like Ritalin, 14-year-old boys sell you on the playground for cheap weed.

I drink you like Robitussin … and you look like an underground monster right now, go away I’m vomiting.

I have dry mouth and extremely sweaty pits, I’m not sure what drug exactly you are right now but someone laced my weed.

You’re addictive like meth, got me thinking there’s bugs on my skin to scratch off.

Your sexy body is like heroin, when I come off you I am vomiting and shaking for days.

Yeah you’re like cocaine, a lot of people in South America died in wars over you.

Sexy lady, you’re like aerosol spray, making me dizzy and causing the occasional teen to go into a coma.

–Becky Lang