She Reads You Her Text Message History. All girls are protective of their iPhones. It’s a gender thing, not a her thing. So she slams down the knife when she’s chopping onions and runs in from the kitchen when her phone buzzes near you. Listen, that might sound scary BUT, she reads you her text messages anyway from that guy she used to fuck behind her ex-boyfriend’s back! Granted, she skips over a few, giggles to herself and inserts passing phrases like, “And then he just started talking about football or something” and scrolls for pages, but you’ve got to back off, man.

She Also Plays That Spotify Playlist When She’s Doing Homework. Okay, so it’s well known she prefers Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours during sex. She’s in fact narrated certain songs down to the second according to what that graduate student in chemistry did to her (I mean, from a physical standpoint it was pretty impressive, dude, just chill), but she also loves that band for help during homework. Yes, on a Friday night at 1 a.m. Is it a crime to be scholarly? Fuck.

Her Friends Vouch for Her. Okay, so she did hang for a little with a guy she used to, you know, but ONLY ‘TIL 9! Then, she was with her friends. And without you even asking, she provides three or four of her girlfriends, with explicit instructions, like, go ahead, ask them, they’ll tell you exactly where I was, they’re actually expecting you to call, so feel free. Happy now? She has to feel like a fraud around her own friends. Asshole. It doesn’t matter why her friends couldn’t answer on Skype. That is too her best friend’s wallpaper color. Your screen is dark.

Her Male Boss Hits on ALL His Female Employees. He also asks them over to his apartment quite a bit. So that’s why she knows about his vinyl collection. And, honestly, dude, just stop being so paranoid, when her boss tells her “she’s trouble and he better watch out,” that’s like in the company handbook. And don’t worry that she bought a bunch of new bras for work. Or that after the company Christmas party she didn’t go to work for a week. He gave her time off. You know, for being a good employee. So Stephen Marche was right, the modern man is an emasculated weenie.

She Has an Eye Condition, So It Just Looked Like She Was Staring at That Guy at the Bar with Fairly Obvious “Let’s Fuck in the Bathroom” Eyes. You yourself have even driven her to the optometrist, so you know it’s something about her pupils. They’re bigger than usual. And it was DRY AIR in that bar, man. That guy across the bar totally had the wrong impression. She was just resting her gaze. And biting her lower lip. Jeez, mannerisms Gestapo, dude.

She Was Just Tapping on His Foot Because It’s a Good Band. So now it’s illegal to like the band? That guy in the Perfect Shirt, yeah, the one who bought her a scotch when you were in the bathroom, he is just being nice. And it’s a good band. Their name doesn’t matter, do you remember it? Fuck, Mister MySpace all of a sudden? You going to stop by the merch table in back? She has restless leg syndrome. The bar was crowded. Upper thighs are graced ROUTINELY with the backside of hands. Stay home and play cribbage and watch her with binoculars, then.

She Needs Help Wrestling Things Out of Her Purse, and No One Else Was Around But Him, What Else Was She Supposed to Do? So they exited the bar bathroom at the same time? Okay, Mr. Hetero-Normative, want to enforce a little more oppressive sexual group-think later? She needed assistance, and that Banana Republican just happened to be standing near. No, the amount of time in there doesn’t matter. Nor that she was wiping something off his face. Look, she’s going home with you tonight. She’s letting you pay for the cab?! God, you’re why guys get such a bad rap for being possessive. And OF COURSE a boss would text her at 2:00—your workday never stops when you’re in your twenties, duh.

– Dunstan McGill

Photo courtesy Elijah