1. Become lonely

Find a nice cozy spot between crazy hoarder lady lonely and precious child lonely. Live alone and desire something to project your feelings onto that isn’t your fridge or your couch.

2. Rule out owning a pet

You want something else ‘alive’ in your apartment but you’d get evicted if that thing was a dog. Decide that plants seem manageable, and if one died under your watch it would not be nearly as guilt-inducing as letting a dog somehow die.

3. Acquire plants and personify them

A plant you found at the grocery store has a nice “look.” It’s kind of fat and awkward like it’s looking back at you over it’s chubby shoulder and saying, “Moi?” in mock embarrassment. Try to stop personifying it so much.  Find yourself calling it “Planty” and say, “Who am I, an unimaginative 3-year-old? Planty? Really?” Think of a 3-year-old you once knew who called their stuffed Giraffe “Giraffey.” Resolve never to be that derivative.

4. Rule out a bunch of names

Decide naming plants is kinda weird, but certain types of plant names are especially douchey/ weird for plants:

-Philosophical names (Abyss, Ennui)

-Biblical names (Noah, Isaac)

-Hip celebrity baby names (Brooklyn, Kingston, Apple)

-Literary names (Holden, Major Major Major Major)

-Foreign names (Jacques, Yamamoto)

5. Resort to baby talk

Find yourself calling them “Bubsy, Pretty, Spikey and ‘The Dying One.'” This seems to suffice and your boyfriend seems ok with calling them this too.

6. Resolve to get a dog soon

That won’t be that weird.

–Becky Lang