– You got overzealous about exiting your bedroom and didn’t open the door wide enough before trying to walk out, and thus smacked your boob dead center against it. You’re in a crumpled heap on the floor and Mr. Lefty smarts like a bitch.

– You have piled all the necessary ingredients for a seriously impressive ham sandwich into your arms, including but not limited to a bag of potato chips and a container of half mayonnaise half avocado that you keep handy (you’ve taken to affectionately calling it mayvocadonnaise), only to discover that, in a Twilight Zone-esque moment of panic, all of your sliced cheddar has molded.

– You’ve forgotten the definition of “scurrilous” again.

– The TV remote is aaaaaaaaaaaaall the way over there.

– The boy you like has been on gchat for about an hour, and in that hour you’ve constructed a series of elaborate potential conversations in your head, all of which inexplicably end in him vowing to never speak to you again. You never actually chat him, rendered powerless as you stare into the abyss of  infinite potential for fucking it up.

– 30 Rock’s over.

– One of your friends insists you’d probably be sorted into Hufflepuff. The worst part is that when pressed, she can’t give you any decent reasons why; it’s just her “gut feeling.”

– You suddenly remember the end of The Rugrats Movie where Spike fell off the bridge. He was fine, but Jesus, Nickelodeon…

– Too many people near you are talking at the same time.

– You spend two hours writing just a single page of anything.

– Your dog’s been sprinting circles in the newly fallen snow for a solid fifteen minutes, and you know your next half hour or so will be dedicated to gingerly picking snow nuggets off the belly of a squirming, furry little jerk.

– It’s Tuesday.

– Anytime you hear the opening credits music for The West Wing.

– You find out that your curmudgeonly teenage sister who won the gold medal in the Door Slamming Olympics wrote her “Person I Admire” essay about you.

– You discover too late that you only had enough milk for half that amount of cereal.

– You drunkenly fell asleep on your arm, so you wake up at 3 a.m. so thirsty you can’t pry your tongue off the roof of your mouth, feeling bloaty and headachey, and you’ve got a serious case of dead arm to contend with. You try to lift it up with your other arm and drape it over your chest, but you accidentally smack yourself with what feels like someone else’s hand.

– You didn’t manage to sit up and cover your face fast enough as you were about to sneeze, so it just sorta went everywhere.

– It’s been a couple of weeks since you last cried.

– Someone broke up with you, you broke up with someone, someone on TV broke up with someone else on TV, you heard someone you know might be breaking up with someone in the near to distant future.

– YouTube search: “marriage proposals.”

– A boy within a five mile radius of you is crying.

– You wake up from a nap at 10 o’clock at night.

– Whenever you damn well feel like it.

–Katie Sisneros