Tell me a little about yourself.
As you may have noticed, I’m quite short, I compulsively destroy my cuticles when I’m nervous, and I’m definitely not used to wearing heels, eyeliner or this pencil skirt. I like watching netflix while eating food that matches the show/movie I’m consuming (Downton Abbey=sandwiches I cut into crustless circles. Toddlers and Tiaras=pixie sticks). I say a lot of things on the internet that would kill my chances of getting this job if you ever find them. For awhile, I dated burly, farmy guys who I had nothing in common with, and then I dated wistful, creative guys who I had way too much in common with, and I now I don’t date anybody.
Why do you want to work here?
It pays more than my current job. Also, I have this weird co-worker who believes crystals are magical and leaves them all over the office, and writes on my facebook wall at like 4:15 in the morning about what this moon cycles means for my future, and who I highly suspect stole my kombucha tea culture out of the break room fridge.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
I see myself married to an average-looking, hilarious Jewish guy who knows how to make pierogis and has freaky sex game. I also see myself having a couple hundred more twitter followers than I do now, working here or someplace similar, and being able to afford furniture from IKEA that isn’t made of compressed sawdust coated in neon paint.
If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
Crawdad. This lackluster lobster is underrated and is an okay contributor to its ecosystem. Some can live up to 100 years as long as they don’t become a jambalaya ingredient. They’re also resilient—if a dude crawdad rips off another dude crawdad’s claw while fighting for a lady friend, no problem, it’ll just grow it back, bitch. They are polite to other lake inhabitants by naturally removing toxins from water. And, like me, crawdads have highly sensitive immune systems, and have taken this to a new level by developing their own special plague (crawdad plague).
Why are you the best person for this position?
Will I sometimes wear colors that are far too daring for my natural features, accidentally insult co-workers’ baby names, and order green printer ink instead of black just for fun? Yes. But despite these shortcomings, I am a relentless perfectionist who has, since childhood, fostered an unhealthy desire to succeed in this particular career, so I will try harder to do this job well than a meth addict will try to avoid an intervention. Also, I have no children, no husband, and am willing to work for pay that puts me only just above the poverty line.
Describe a stressful situation at work and how you handled it.
When a co-worker discovered “some weird bug” lurking in her cubicle, I decided it was the perfect opportunity to exterminate my massive fear of insects by putting it to death. I grabbed a flip-flop from my file cabinet (admit it, everyone stores shoes in their file cabinets) and approached the battle ground to discover a six-inch centipede with a bazillion feathery legs that I assumed were certainly poisonous. I switched my weapon to a large dictionary, which I hurled at the beast from a safe five-foot distance. It freaked out and started coming at me, so I shouted something like “jesus cunt freckle!” to the alarm of my middle-aged co-workers before sprinting across the building to my boss’s office. Sometimes when I’m upset I laugh and also cry, so I tearfully/giddily asked him if he had any raid or would be willing to “get a bug.” He promptly located and squashed it and told me I could go home and chill out for awhile if I wanted.
What is your biggest weakness?
Channing Tatum. But I guess that doesn’t count because I’ve never interacted with him in real life, and if I did, would he allow me to “be weak/give in,” to his charm? Probably not. He seems super devoted to his hot Step Up wife. She’s extremely beautiful and all but I imagine it would be pretty intimidating to be married to a man specimen whose physical attributes know no equal. God, and he’s such a good dancer, and seems so down-to-earth. I’m still pissed he didn’t take his shirt off once in 10 Years, which I watched yesterday.
Do you have any questions for me?
Which do you hate more: a brain freeze or a sleeping foot? If you had to spend the rest of your life on a deserted island with Courtney Love or Gary Busey, who would you pick? Does lipliner have a fighting chance for a comeback? Is Bob Dylan or Prince the best musical icon to spring from Minnesota’s chilly grasp? Dogs or cats? Gchat or Facebook chat? Religion or science? Ham or turkey? Allie Brosh or Jenna Marbles?
– Natalie Berkley