Goldilocks and the Three Bears

“Oh my God. Bears. You want to hear a story about bears? When I was a kid, we lived by this giant forest. I forget what it was called, Everwood or something like that. Anyway, I used to go walking in the woods by myself, which was really stupid, because people get raped and killed in those woods every year. What was the name of that girl from Munich? Anyway, so this one day I find a house of bears, and one was just right! I mean, this one, the baby bear, had all the stuff I liked. Like, his bed was the right size and his soup was the right temperature and everything. But anyway, I was in their house, and I totally fell asleep. I know. Crazy, right?”

Jack and the Beanstalk

“I always say that Debbie’s my dream girl, because we met in the clouds. Ain’t that right, baby? Okay, there she goes—she’s heard this story before. Anyway, yeah, the clouds. I got up there by climbing a beanstalk, actually. No shit, that’s a true story. I was a dumbass kid—well, I mean, not like a kid. I was slippin’ it to the butcher’s daughter every day in the haymow. She’d come to trade meat for milk, and I’d give her my own meat, if you know what I’m saying! Right? Yeah, but that was when we had a cow, before I traded it away for these magic beans. They grew into a beanstalk and I climbed up and all that happened. But still, I never should have traded that cow, because after that I never banged the butcher’s daughter again. Why trade the cow when you can have the milk for free, right?”

Rapunzel

“Oh, sweetie, your hair is just gorgeous. Never cut it. Will you promise me that? I used to have the most beautiful hair. That shit was flaxen. I lived in this tower, and my hair was so fucking long I could lower it all the way to the ground for people to climb up. I shit you not. I mean, the first time it almost yanked me out of the tower, but then the second time I learned to wrap it around the bedpost. That was appropriate, because as soon as your uncle Charming got up there, he was like, oh, you must be so tired, let’s go to bed, here, I’ll just put this here to comfort you…I was a goddamn maiden, I had no fucking idea. Then I got knocked up, that dumbshit fell out of the tower and blinded himself, and everything went to hell. Oh, and there was a witch. Like, a hot witch. Your uncle swore he didn’t do her, but he didn’t get that fatal case of syphilis from me, that’s for damn sure.”

– Jay Gabler

Illustration by Helena Perez Garcia (Creative Commons)