Upcoming Celebrity Diet Books
Tiny Fupa by Lena Dunham. Centers on getting peed on in the shower every morning so that you feel too demoralized/ busy blogging about it to eat that can of Spaghettios.
The Earth Mother Diet by Angelina Jolie. Mostly Japanese foods that most people don’t realize have only 40 calories per meal and small vials of your family members’ blood.
Goopsie Daisy by Gwyneth Paltrow. This diet is simple. Just get cast on a show full of teenagers that overshadow you and make you feel old and irrelevant. Deal with it by spending a lot on acupuncture, therapy and juicing things.
Rev it Up! by Amanda Bynes. Did you get chunky when you were required to constantly suck on lollipops during a film adaptation of Hairspray? Work it off quick with this mixture of smuggled-in Swedish diet pills, vodka sodas and running into things with your car.
Bun in the Oven Diet by Kim Kardashian. Get Kanye West to put a baby in your belly and hope the baby requires so much nutrition that it eats your ass.
The Eat Until You Hate Yourself Diet by Louis C.K. The comedian has often talked about his habit of eating until he hates himself. If you do this too, the trick is to hate yourself to new, exciting extremes, day after day, mostly by getting in fights with Dane Cook and talking about how gross your penis is. Then your overeating won’t have to do the brunt of the work.
The Red Herring Diet by Donald Trump. Getting a little paunchy? Distract people from your Twinkie tummy by creating a ruckus elsewhere, like by having weird hair or being racist toward Barack Obama.
The Cake Cake Cake Cake Cake Diet by Rihanna. Eat whatever the hell you want but spend so much time taking sexy Instagram photos of yourself naked that you never have time to get fat. Also, all snacks are low-calorie sexual body fluids.
The Cohost Diet by Kelly Ripa. Need to have tiny, cute biceps and be pocket-sized for the rest of your life? Follow the cohost diet, where you eat nothing but samples of Lemon Merengue Pie on air but cancel it out by doing live calisthenics, karaoke and giggling constantly.
The Taylor Lautner Diet by Robert Pattinson. Need to stay in shape cuz you’re a sex symbol although you hate being one? Push Taylor Lautner in people’s faces while you joke that you’re on a liquid (all booze) diet. Cigarette please.