Lessons From My Catholic Confirmation Teacher

Lessons From My Catholic Confirmation Teacher


The song “Jesus, Take the Wheel” is the single greatest musical achievement of the human race.

Chewing gum contains small amounts of birth control, put there by the government to fight overpopulation.

If you look at your phone more than you think about God, you are worshipping your phone.

The key to mental health lies not with psychiatric care or medication but with consistent prayer.

Children conceived through rape are all part of God’s plan, and serve some sort of rape-induced purpose to fulfill a grand design.

We are challenged every day by heathens, and we need to be able to defend ourselves and convert non-believers.

Birth control pills are actually capsules filled with horse urine.

“Damn” is the worst swear word a person can say, but there are also many other swear words we shouldn’t say [complete list provided].

The “bump and grind” [demonstrated with pelvic thrusts on an imaginary partner] will inevitably lead to premarital sexual relations and a one-way ticket to hell.

If God intended for humans to explore space, he would have given us wings and a means to breathe in a vacuum.

Confirmation teachers never misinform their students, because if they do, God sends them straight to hell.

– Paul Schmitt

  • Alcott

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