“hello qt wha’s good I am a fun loving adventurous spirit always up for trying new things ;)”

Translation: I want to have anal sex for the first time, so I am messaging 35 girls per minute until I find my one-in-a-million super slut who will let me violate her ass after knowing nothing about me other than what my car, and its new red rims, look like.

“I would love get know you better and see what the future has for us!!!! I am 6’3 175 bench 280 buzz cut, 3 tattoos.”

Translation: The only things I want to know about you are your bra size, height, how many days per week you work out, hair color, and how many of your shirts show 40% of your tits. I hope our future has cheap vodka and blowjobs for us!!!

“aren’t you a J-dater?!”

Translation: I didn’t want to pay for J-date either, so I joined this free site. Regardless, I am a mild-mannered, moderately attractive Jew. Want to go out for some bland food?

“hello.”

Translation: I know my profile picture screams “fresh out of prison,” but I am a really nice person, even if I have not the gift of language. I’m worried about going out on a limb and don’t have the patience to actually read anything about you, so I’m sticking to this socially acceptable English-language greeting.

“Hi there, I’m also from [town], just joined this site a few weeks ago. Msg me if you want to chat or grab a friendly beer!”

Translation: Jesus Christ, oh my god, there is a girl in my tiny town who is just as lonely and out of options as me. I wonder if I’ve seen her out among the throng of overly-dressed-up college girls who frequent the three bars in this hamlet. Please please please message me back! If you don’t, I’ll still see you at the grocery store.

“interested in a hookup? I got pics.”

Translation: I honestly just want to cum all over any girl’s face/tits/etc. I’m not going to bullshit you. If you’re into that sort of thing, I got pics.

– Natalie Berkley has yet to respond to an online dating message.

Photo by Vidrio (Creative Commons)